Wednesday, December 8, 2010


If you dream of an old friend, lover or relative, is there a deeper meaning to it?
What if you continuously mistake strangers walking down the street because they may have a physical similarity to the person you mistake them for?
Does your sudden love for children and babies mean you wish for children of your own?
Or is it rather the need for affection that children are often lavished with, but you lack?

Thursday, November 11, 2010

I close my eyes the world drops dead ::

I've been in the strangest moods lately, I'm feeling very nostalgic and romantic. I've felt this in the past but it feels more real or maybe surreal this time, I'm reading
Rough Magic: A Biography of Sylvia Plath and her sentiments on boys, sex and romance are somewhat familiar to mine. She dated plenty of men in her college years and was constantly disappointed to find they could not match up to her expectations, they are just boys and she needed a man.

Maybe months ago I wouldn't have minded going on numerous of dates with plenty of guys, in fact I did. But now I don't want that, it's dull, these
"men" don't feel their heart or anywhere else for that matter. I want cliched romance and intimacy, the night ins, the small talks...there's something so detaching about dates and fooling around with boys who don't know any better.

songs on high repetition:
How Can I Tell You by Cat Stevens
Ant Music by Adam & The Ants
Mad Girl's Love Song by Fisher
Albion by Babyshambles

Sunday, September 12, 2010

No sleep tonight...

I've been having bad dreams lately, I think it's become a something that has bothered me throughout this year, I've never had it so frequently before. They aren't usually nightmares, just distressing things that appear from my past, maybe I'm being told that I need resolve something within my past. All I know is I want it to stop, so I can wake up feeling at the very least like I had a decent sleep.

My moods are still not getting any better, the medication helps a bit but lately I've been having these short but intense mood swings particularly during the evening. Usually it's a swing of feeling very depressed and it hits hard and unexpectedly. It's almost unbearable, and sometimes sends me into moments of suicidal ideations.

songs on high repetition:
Crash into me by Stevie Nicks
Superstar by Tegan and Sara
Everybody Cares, Everybody Understands by Elliott Smith
Drain you by Nirvana

Tuesday, August 24, 2010


I’ve got that pounding headache again,

when the world could cave in at any moment but I wouldn’t care because in death loud noises & busy crowds don’t exist.

4 days of weeping and sleeping, I’m emotionally exhausted.

I’m so small I can only take so much, feel so much.

The only silence I get is from you and your sharpened tongue.

It cuts deeper than a razor against my pretty pale skin.

So here it goes again,

I’ll cut my tender heart in two for you, I have no need for it myself.

Dream about me...

I don't feel like writing much now, There's is too little to say. I suppose everyone who knows me well knows what happened last week and that I'm trying to make the right decisions that I need to make. It's always been a theory of mine that sometimes you need to hit rock bottom to get back up and I hope that is what will happen for me.

I've decided to only surround myself with people I trust and know will support me, I may have few of those kind of people but that's all I need. If they did leave me I know I'd be on edge, spiraling down like many times before, but I hope they won't.

Last week has just been sleeping/lying in bed wishing everything and everyone would disappear and it's still hard when my mood fluctuates but it's something I have to cope with, it's just sometimes the ups and downs are too hard to bear.

songs on high repetition:
Scott Pilgrim by Plumtree
Black Sheep by Metric
Anthems for a Seventeen Year Old Girl by Broken Social Scene
I need a child by Olivia Ruiz

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I am covered in skin, no one gets to come in.

I know in the past I've been accused of being attention seeking and I've denied it, And I still deny it then because in those instances I wasn't being attention seeking, I was out of control because that's how I am right now. But I've realized in some other ways I do seek attention because I have the need to feel loved or wanted, I do it in subtle ways though. For instance I may wear more revealing clothes sometimes so I get a response from males.

The anger and rejection that people with BPD display mean they are sometimes labeled as ‘bad,‘ ‘manipulative’ or ’attention-seeking’. While things they do may at times lead to confusion, distress or inconvenience for other people, it should be remembered that this behaviour results from feelings of fear, loneliness, desperation, or hopelessness associated with BPD. '

Lately it's been so cold, and this has not helped my mood one bit. Aside from the weather, I feel much more happier on a whole, I'm not cooped up in my dark bedroom like before as much and I'm seeing friends more. But i'm not holding my hopes up, things tend to go backwards for me when I least expect them too.

songs on high repetition:
Tide is high - Blondie
Misery - Maroon Five
Storms - Fleetwood Mac
Tourniquet - Rasputina

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

I want a boy who's so drunk he doesn't talk.

I'm tired, just when I thought my mood was beginning to stay stable, the intensity and unpredictable swinging from sadness to anxiety to anger and back again is creating chaos in my head. I can't think straight, or focus on anything and I feel like sleeping forever till I stop feeling like this. I feel like bursting into tears right now and I have no idea why, I've taken my meds and have had enough rest, I shouldn't feel like this.

It's also seems like the world is throwing happy people everywhere I go, laughter, kisses, hugs and fulfilling conversations wherever I sit, stand, walk. It makes me sick like someone is taunting at me with something I can never have for that long. I'm sick of waiting, I want to be selfish and have it all but life doesn't work that way and Mick Jagger was right when he sung/wrote You can't always get what you want.

songs on high repetition:
Big love by Fleetwood Mac
Firecracker by Ryan Adams
Lover I don't have to love by Bright Eyes
Tourniquet by Marilyn Manson

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Nothing to keep me from the storm.

I went shopping with my mum today because she wanted me to get some pyjamas and clothes, I usually refuse because I hate shopping, crowds and change rooms and those things combined make me anxious. But I wanted to do something today so I agreed, I got a top, shorts and superman long johns (1st picture) at Cotton on Body. A blue polka dot playsuit (2nd) at Sportsgirl and T-shirt (3rd) and black jacket at General pants co.

As far as my mood has been it's been stable with less emotional up and downs that I had only a few weeks. Yesterday I got my nose pierced I didn't it expect it to hurt as much as it did but It was worth the 2 minutes of pain I was in. On another note, my sweet tooth is getting me into trouble and I need to stop eating like I did when I was 5 years old and go on a diet ASAP.

songs on high repetition:
- You got the love (The xx remix) by Florence + The Machine
- If it makes you happy by Sheryl Crow
- Celestica by Crystal Castles
- I don't give a fuck by Peaches

Friday, July 23, 2010


Tonight I've started reading Girl, Interrupted which I've been meaning to read for months and months. This week I've been plagued with anxiety and sadness, to top it off I've been feel nauseous since Wednesday. My doctor upped my medication by 10mgs a fortnight ago but it hasn't seem to of helped. I can't stand the short and sometimes long periods of depression, it often feels like I'm choking on my tears and my heart starts to feel heavy. As for the anxiety, those periods last for less than an hour but are hard to handle, I feel like escaping from my body.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Dreams of Loneliness, like a heartbeat, drives you mad.

This week has been one of the most stressful weeks of my life, I've cried my heart out at least 3 times and been constantly on edge, I can't stop shaking my legs whenever I'm sitting down, It's a constant thing I've never really done before. I only went to 1 class this week at uni because I was too stressed to deal with it, I wish I did but I just didn't care.

I feel like sleeping forever, curling up in a ball and lying in darkness with nothing but music in my head and in my heart. I'm holding everything back so much and trying so hard that I feel it's just going to fall apart and spin out of control when I least expect. Just at the moment, I can't let my emotions get the better of me because a few of my loved ones are struggling and they're more important.

My dreams are haunting me with images of broken glass and past loves, I feel tired all the time like I'm a living walking zombie. Sometime I'll notice myself go into a state of dissociation, I'll be completely detached and then I'll come out of it and feel like I'm about to have a panic attack, It's becoming more frequent recently.

songs on high repetition:
- You've got the love by Florence + The Machine
- Beautiful Child by Fleetwood Mac
- Goldmines by Josh Pyke
- Be My Angel by Mazzy Star

Sunday, July 4, 2010

The pills won't help you now.

Last week I was stuck at my dad's farm near Warrnambool, I hadn't taken my meds and I felt like I was coping fine without them, but you lose touch of reality when that happens (at least I do). It was only when my mother happened to know I haven't been taking them and told me that when I don't she notices I become emotionally more unstable that I realised how much they do make an impact.

For the last few months every so often I keep having recurring people appear in my dreams, people I'd rather forget and that I thought I've moved on from. So if I feel that I've forgot about those people who were a part of my life, why are they appearing in my unconscious? The part of it that bothers me is that when I wake up in the morning I remember everything and all the memories associated with that person floods back in my mind.

songs on high repetition:
L.A. Song by Beth Hart
I've been eating for you by Bright Eyes
Moonshiner by Cat Power
Heavy in your Heart by Florence + The Machine

Friday, July 2, 2010

Long lost.

Choking on my cigarettes,
I want to be the ash that burns my throat.
The wind calls my name,
But I ignore it.

That wind that whispers my name is dangerous,
It wants my self destruction; My end.
I can't go,
I won't.

Nothing but lonely men with lonely hearts,
secret desires who can't be trusted alone.
Lost girls with blood on their ankles,
Bruises where tenderness used to lay.

Russian vodka shot by shot,
Wandering down dark highways.
It's only a matter of time,
Before I follow that wind.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Your heart's a mess, You won't admit to it.

The last 2 weeks (or so) have been turbulent, most of my life has been up and down but lately everything has been so extreme. One moment i'll be in tears, the next i'm on cloud nine. These both ends of the spectrum have been a regular thing lately.

Missing my medication for almost a week now has probably made everything much more intense particualry with my already abnormal mood swings. I'm crying more often and about almost everything, even when i've been happy i've cried. Mostly because sometimes my happiness scares me, it's not a feeling i'm used to and it never lasts long.

I may look like i'm strong to some people. But truth is i'm a small, fragile person and when life throws rocks at me. I get scratched and cut, most people can bandage themselves up but me, I just keep bleeding.

Songs on high repetition:
- Lost girls by Tilly and the Wall
- Jump in the Line by Harry Belafonte
- Fireflies by Fleetwood Mac
- Bad Moon Rising by Rasputina

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Borderline Personality Disorder

Crazy isn't being broken or swallowing a dark secret. It's you or me amplified. If you ever told a lie and enjoyed it. If you ever wished you could be a child forever.
Girl, Interrupted by Susanna Kaysen

What causes Borderline Personality Disorder?

Linehan theorizes that borderlines are born with an innate biological tendency to react more intensely to lower levels of stress than others and to take longer to recover. They peak "higher" emotionally on less provocation and take longer coming down. In addition, they were raised in environments in which their beliefs about themselves and their environment were continually devalued and invalidated. These factors combine to create adults who are uncertain of the truth of their own feelings and who are confronted by three basic dialectics they have failed to master (and thus rush frantically from pole to pole of):

  • vulnerability vs invalidation
  • active passivity (tendency to be passive when confronted with a problem and actively seek a rescuer) vs apparent competence (appearing to be capable when in reality internally things are falling apart)
  • unremitting crises vs inhibited grief.

Kernberg's Borderline Personality Organization

Diagnoses of BPO are based on three categories of criteria. The first, and most important, category, comprises two signs:

  • the absence of psychosis (i.e., the ability to perceive reality accurately)
  • impaired ego integration - a diffuse and internally contradictory concept of self. Kernberg is quoted as saying, "Borderlines can describe themselves for five hours without your getting a realistic picture of what they're like."

The second category is termed "nonspecific signs" and includes such things as low anxiety tolerance, poor impulse control, and an undeveloped or poor ability to enjoy work or hobbies in a meaningful way.

Kernberg believes that borderlines are distinguished from neurotics by the presence of "primitive defenses." Chief among these is splitting, in which a person or thing is seen as all good or all bad. Note that something which is all good one day can be all bad the next, which is related to another symptom: borderlines have problems with object constancy in people -- they read each action of people in their lives as if there were no prior context; they don't have a sense of continuity and consistency about people and things in their lives. They have a hard time experiencing an absent loved one as a loving presence in their minds. They also have difficulty seeing all of the actions taken by a person over a period of time as part of an integrated whole, and tend instead to analyze individual actions in an attempt to divine their individual meanings. People are defined by how they lasted interacted with the borderline.

Other primitive defenses cited include magical thinking (beliefs that thoughts can cause events), omnipotence, projection of unpleasant characteristics in the self onto others and projective identification, a process where the borderline tries to elicit in others the feelings s/he is having. Kernberg also includes as signs of BPO chaotic, extreme relationships with others; an inability to retain the soothing memory of a loved one; transient psychotic episodes; denial; and emotional amnesia.

About the last, Linehan says,
"Borderline individuals are so completely in each mood, they have great difficulty conceptualizing, remembering what it's like to be in another mood."

Gunderson's conception of BPD

Gunderson, a psychoanalystfocus tends to be on the differential diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, and Cauwels gives Gunderson's criteria in order of their importance:

  • Intense unstable relationships in which the borderline always ends up getting hurt. Gunderson admits that this symptom is somewhat general, but considers it so central to BPD that he says he would hesitate to diagnose a patient as BPD without its presence.
  • Repetitive self-destructive behaviour, often designed to prompt rescue.
  • Chronic fear of abandonment and panic when forced to be alone.
  • Distorted thoughts/perceptions, particularly in terms of relationships and interactions with others.
  • Hypersensitivity, meaning an unusual sensitivity to nonverbal communication. Gunderson notes that this can be confused with distortion if practitioners are not careful (somewhat similar to Herman's statement that, while survivors of intense long-term trauma may have unrealistic notions of the power realities of the situation they were in, their notions are likely to be closer to reality than the therapist might think).
  • Impulsive behaviors that often embarrass the borderline later.
  • Poor social adaptation: in a way, borderlines tend not to know or understand the rules regarding performance in job and academic settings.

The Diagnostic Interview for Borderlines, Revised

The DIB was revised in 1989 to sharpen its ability to differentiate between BPD and other personality disorders. It considers symptoms that fall under four main headings:
  1. Affect
    • chronic/major depression
    • helplessness
    • hopelessness
    • worthlessness
    • guilt
    • anger (including frequent expressions of anger)
    • anxiety
    • loneliness
    • boredom
    • emptiness
  2. Cognition
    • odd thinking
    • unusual perceptions
    • nondelusional paranoia
    • quasipsychosis
  3. Impulse action patterns
    • substance abuse/dependence
    • sexual deviance
    • manipulative suicide gestures
    • other impulsive behaviors
  4. Interpersonal relationships
    • intolerance of aloneness
    • abandonment, engulfment, annihilation fears
    • counterdependency
    • stormy relationships
    • manipulativeness
    • dependency
    • devaluation
    • masochism/sadism
    • demandingness
    • entitlement

The DIB-R is the most influential and best-known "test" for diagnosing BPD. Use of it has led researchers to identify four behavior patterns they consider peculiar to BPD: abandonment, engulfment, annihilation fears; demandingness and entitlement; treatment regressions; and ability to arouse inappropriately close or hostile treatment relationships.
DSM-IV criteria The DSM-IV gives these nine criteria; a diagnosis requires that the subject present with at least five of these. In I Hate You -- Don't Leave Me! Jerold Kriesman and Hal Straus refer to BPD as "emotional hemophilia; [a borderline] lacks the clotting mechanism needed to moderate his spurts of feeling. Stimulate a passion, and the borderline emotionally bleeds to death."

Traits involving emotions: Quite frequently people with BPD have a very hard time controlling their emotions. They may feel ruled by them. One researcher (Marsha Linehan) said,
"People with BPD are like people with third degree burns over 90% of their bodies. Lacking emotional skin, they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement."

1. Shifts in mood lasting only a few hours.

2. Anger that is inappropriate, intense or uncontrollable.

Traits involving behaviour: 3. Self-destructive acts, such as self-mutilation or suicidal threats and gestures that happen more than once

4. Two potentially self-damaging impulsive behaviours. These could include alcohol and other drug abuse, compulsive spending, gambling, eating disorders, shoplifting, reckless driving, compulsive sexual behaviour.

Traits involving identity 5. Marked, persistent identity disturbance shown by uncertainty in at least two areas. These areas can include self-image, sexual orientation, career choice or other long-term goals, friendships, values. People with BPD may not feel like they know who they are, or what they think, or what their opinions are, or what religion they should be. Instead, they may try to be what they think other people want them to be. Someone with BPD said, "I have a hard time figuring out my personality. I tend to be whomever I'm with."

6. Chronic feelings of emptiness or boredom. Someone with BPD said, "I remember describing the feeling of having a deep hole in my stomach. An emptiness that I didn't know how to fill. My therapist told me that was from almost a "lack of a life". The more things you get into your life, the more relationships you get involved in, all of that fills that hole. As a borderline, I had no life. There were times when I couldn't stay in the same room with other people. It almost felt like what I think a panic attack would feel like."

Traits involving relationships 7. Unstable, chaotic intense relationships characterized by splitting.

8. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

  • Splitting: the self and others are viewed as "all good" or "all bad." Someone with BPD said, "One day I would think my doctor was the best and I loved her, but if she challenged me in any way I hated her. There was no middle ground as in like. In my world, people were either the best or the worst. I couldn't understand the concept of middle ground."
  • Alternating clinging and distancing behaviours. Sometimes you want to be close to someone. But when you get close it feels TOO close and you feel like you have to get some space. This happens often.
  • Great difficulty trusting people and themselves. Early trust may have been shattered by people who were close to you.
  • Sensitivity to criticism or rejection.
  • Feeling of "needing" someone else to survive
  • Heavy need for affection and reassurance
  • Some people with BPD may have an unusually high degree of interpersonal sensitivity, insight and empathy

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms. This means feeling "out of it," or not being able to remember what you said or did. This mostly happens in times of severe stress.

Miscellaneous attributes of people with BPD:
  • People with BPD are often bright, witty, funny, life of the party.
  • They may have problems with object constancy. When a person leaves (even temporarily), they may have a problem recreating or remembering feelings of love that were present between themselves and the other. Often, BPD patients want to keep something belonging to the loved one around during separations.
  • They frequently have difficulty tolerating aloneness, even for short periods of time.
  • Their lives may be a chaotic landscape of job losses, interrupted educational pursuits, broken engagements, hospitalizations.
  • Many have a background of childhood physical, sexual, or emotional abuse or physical/emotional neglect

Monday, June 14, 2010

I was born -- I hate this part.

Since Saturday I've been in Warrnambool with my parents and brother & sister, It's been so dull here but at least i've gotten a bit of reading done, i'm half way done reading Jane Eyre.

Today it was my brothers birthday, I woke up to pancakes with maple syrup and at 2pm we all went down to Grandma's to have afternoon tea with my aunty, uncle and cousins. I ate too much cupcakes, cake & cookies but got to play with my cousin Ashley's puppy Pippy. After singing happy birthday and talking with everyone, we left to get ready to go out for dinner.

We orginally were going to the thai restraunt but it was closed so instead we went to the local restraunt/pub, I ordered diet coke and ham & cheese pizza that I shared with my sister, Rose. Dad bought an expensive bottle of champagne and ended up drunk by the end of the night, which is always an entertaining to see.

Songs currently on repeat:
The Last of the Famous International Playboys -
Take it off -
The Donnas
Paint it black -
The Rolling Stones
Violet - Hole

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Alone in suicide, which is deeper than death.

Lux is the pivotal role, as she is the only girl which the boys obtain sufficient information about, her emotions and overall feelings can be layed onto the remaining sisters, each; although seemingly toned down, would have much similar frustrations. She keeps the boys in touch with the group of girls, as much as possible without physical interaction. She is both the subject and contractor of the main events within the story.

If I was a lisbon girl I'd be a cross between Cecilia & Lux. Cecilia for her emotional instability and strangeness & Lux for her lack of self control and need for closeness. Suicide is in their blood and sometimes I feel like it's in mine because like them I just keep going through the motions and in circles of self destruction through whatever means possible.

Today I cried in my session with the psychologist for the first time ever, I was crying previously but held many of my tears back. As soon as I came in the room and she asked how I was I bursted into tears and couldn't pull myself together till 5 minutes later.

The past couple of days I've been sick with the worst headache i've had in my life as well as a sore throat. It kept me up till 2am last night and lying in bed is not fun when you have a throbbing headache and tend to ruminate about everything that surrounds your life.

Songs currently on repeat:
Rapper's Delight - The Sugarhill Gang
Instant Pleasure - Rufus Wainwright
When Doves Cry (Cover) - Damien Rice
Little Red Corvette - Prince

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Your face saving promises, whispered like prayers.

My birthday is coming up next month and all I really want is the boy I like to be with me and to get a tattoo done. But I'm still undecided on what I want to get & where, I know I want something small but there is so many designs to choose from. I've been so happy the last week, It's kind of been intense but I won't tell you why!

Friday night was strange and so much happened, I got very drunk and ended up nursing a bad hangover on the following Saturday. Though I'm in a complete state of happiness, I feel like something is wrong at the same time, I know the choices i'm making are self destructive but I can't stop, I'm hungry for it all the time. I don't see what's wrong with it but I know my mother does and If I told others they would be worried about me too. I'm not sure if needing it so much is normal or even why I need it.

I can't stop thinking about this new guy I've been seeing, and I know he feels similar. I've never felt so connected to someone this way before, and it just was so instant from the first time we met. Maybe it's just pure lust, either way he's on my mind every day.

Him: You make me smile...I'm so glad I found you.

songs currently on repeat:
Too Little, Too Late - Metric
Plug in Baby - Muse
Opus 34 - Dustin O'Halloran
Love Lockdown - Kanye West

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

I like.

The task is: fill in 12 likes, 1 love and 8 hates like Cassie in her therapy video. Below, the bolded things are what you MUST include.

Abracadabra, Wow!
I like boys with tattoos & warm hearts and girls with pretty dresses
I like words from the soul
I like my collection of journals and old diaries
I like sleeping in till noon
I like looking at my cat sleeping peacefully on my bed
I like smoking cigarettes at the right time
I like finding old childhood toys
I like forgetting the past and focusing on the future
I like being left alone.
I like forgetting myself
I like surprise pancakes for breakfast
I like getting a text from the very person i want to get it them from
I love snuggling with my cat
Today I did nothing because I could
In some ways, I love everything.
Its less, its less of a thing to like, its less distinct, its less particular
I like things that I like but I love everything
There’s more choice in like
Cos even the worst things have things you love in them
I don’t know what you mean about things I hate
I hate feeling fragile
I hate being left alone
I hate not knowing
I hate wanting more, and having less
I hate 11:11
I hate my looks, but in a way, sometimes I feel beautiful
I hate disapoointing others
I hate myself

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

I'm the slow dying flower, Frost killing hour.

Today I don't know how I feel, I'm calm but my limbs feel differently. My heart pounds and it feels as if there is an electric current running through my body. It's unexplainable but it's a sensation that scares me, perhaps it's normal but I just don't know anymore. I keep seeing people I know who just turn out to be strangers, maybe it's just the pills my doctor prescribes me but what if i'm losing it, for real this time. I don't feel like i'm completely here most of the time, as if I could wake up and my whole life was just a dream or a nightmare, I haven't decided which one yet.

I'm not sure if I like the attention anymore, some days I thrive on it. Other days I feel sick from those eyes that gaze over at me, they make me feel so weak, so small. They have nothing to offer me, I don't want them but I need what they give which may seem so insignificant but I'm needy like that. Some days I just feel so used.

Songs currently on repeat:
Opus 36 - Dustin O'Halloran
It's cool, We Can Still Be Friends - Bright Eyes
Sleep - Imogen Heap
Weather Systems - Andrew Bird

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Tarot Reading ; Past. Present. Future


X. Wheel of Fortune.
Planet: Jupiter.

Positive associations: destiny, movement, vision, good luck, new cycle, synchronicity.

Negative associations: obstacles, temporary bad luck, unpleasant surprises .

When The Wheel of Fortune appears it heralds a new cycle in life, good luck and fortune. it is fate that has brought this into your life rather than your own doing.

This card heralds an end to current problems and rewards for past efforts.

Negatively The Wheel of Fortune is obviously turning in the opposite direction and heralds a time of misfortune and unpleasant surprises, however this is temporary - as the wheel turns downwards, in time it will turn up.

I. The Magician.
Planet: Mercury.

Positive associations: action, power, originality, confidence, individuality, willpower, new beginnings, potential.

Negative associations: trickery, deception, lack of self-confidence, indecision, abuse of power.

The Magician is an excellent omen symbolizing new opportunities, the importance of new enterprise and that you will have the willpower and initiative to succeed in whatever you do.

The mercurial nature of The Magician means that you will be able to think on your feet and bluff your way through any difficulties.

Negatively this card represents trickery or deception and is a warning to be careful of whom you place your trust in.

Another negative aspect of The Magician is that it may suggest that you are lacking in self-confidence and being indecisive.

IX. Nine of Cups.
Planet: Jupiter
Positive associations: Victory, success, advantage, gain, triumph, superiority, etc. "The heart's content."
Negative Associations: Faults, Errors, Mistakes, Imperfections.

In a divinatory tarot reading, the Nine of Cups is seen as a sign of contentment and satisfaction. It may indicate a specific goal that will be met, a dream that has been adequately fulfilled, or a long-held desire that has finally come to fruition. The Nine of Cups, depending on its context in a tarot reading and its position in a spread, might symbolize financial wealth, an end to a difficult time period, or satisfaction in a relationship.
The Nine of Cups tarot card might also be viewed by some tarot readers as a symbol of sensual pleasure, including pleasures of taste and tactile sensations. In a tarot spread that relates to erotic or romantic fantasies, the Nine of Cups often indicates a satisfying and stable sexual relationship. It is an especially pleasing card to see when a marriage or other relationship is in jeopardy.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

I need some meaning I can memorise.

This weekend I've had the whole weekend to myself, My parents and siblings have gone down to the farm and are coming back later tonight. So i've been wandering around the hallways drinking nothing but coffee and eating porridge, Scamp (my cat) has been acting like a silly kitten.

Not long after the family left and I went into the bathroom to get ready for a bath, Scamp leaped into the empty bathtub and started drinking the tiny puddles of water. I ended up having to pull him out because he couldn''t get out of the bathtub himself.

I finished my essay and managed to do absolutely nothing all weekend because I could. Luke came over last night, It was nice but I felt a little out of it that night. We didn't do much, just what we always tend to do when we get together (; But I needed him there, I didn't want to be alone. I've felt incredibly needy for human affection lately and it's frustrating because it just causes more anxiety, which is not what I need.

songs currently on repeat:
This side of the Blue - Joanna Newsom
I cut like a buffalo - The Dead Weather
I've been eating (For you) - Bright Eyes
2 Lakes - Mount Eerie

Friday, May 7, 2010

Steve Cox.

This is the work if my painting/drawing teacher. He's an amazing artist and I even found out he has his own wikipedia page. He's my favourite teacher and I'm so glad he likes my work, I remember him looking at my folio and telling me how my style is so unique compared to anyone else.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010



I sit outside to smoke and just as I light up, I look up and a boy is smiling at me. I manage to shyly smile back then he asks “Excuse me, May I have a cigarette?” in a French accent. I draw one out and he mentions “Working all day without food or coffee is hard.”

Ten minutes pass and as he goes to butt out his cigarette he smiles charmingly and says “Thank you so much”. As he leaves he says something I couldn’t distinguish, smiles and winks at me as he walks out.

This made my day.

I’m not sure if he was using his charm as a way of bumming a cigarette of me, Which I would’ve given no matter what he looked like or how charismatic he was, I believe in sharing.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Dream Symbolism | 5/5/10

To dream that you are consuming alcohol in excess, signifies feelings of inadequacy, worries, regrets and fears of being discovered for who you really are. You are using alcohol as a way to escape or as an excuse for something you did. Alternatively, the dream may be reflective of waking issues and problems of alcoholism.

To dream that you are experiencing some anxiety in some affair, is a reflection of what you may be feeling during your waking life. You may have repressed thoughts, unexpressed emotions, resentment, and hostility that are triggering your anxiety dream. This dream also denotes that you are disastrous mixing business with pleasure.

To dream that you are crying, signifies a release of negative emotions that is more likely caused by some waking situation rather than the events of the dream itself. Your dream is a way to regain some emotional balance and a way to safely let out your fears and frustrations. In our daily lives, we tend to ignore, deny, or repress our feelings. But in our dream state, our defense mechanisms are no longer on guard and thus allow for the release of such emotions.

To dream that you are in a fight, indicates inner turmoil. Some aspect of yourself is in conflict with another aspect of yourself. Perhaps an unresolved or unacknowledged part is fighting for its right to be heard. It may also parallel a fight or struggle that you are going through in your waking life.

To dream that you are holding or expressing anger, symbolizes frustrations and disappointments in your Self. You tend to repress your negative emotions or project your anger onto others. You need to look within yourself.

Being angry in your dream may have been carried over from your waking life. Dreams can function as a safe outlet where you can express your strong and/or negative emotions. You have some suppressed anger and aggression that you have not consciously acknowledged.

You're better off unknown.

I found my box of records a few days ago, They were locked away in storage from when we moved months ago. Some are mine like:

- Songs of Love and Hate by Leonard Cohen
- Prince Charming by Adam and The Ants
- Blood on the Tracks by Bob Dylan

My parents also have some nice records I now have to play on my record player such as Van Morrison, INXS, Jimi Hendrix, The Clash...etc. I also found my Tarot Cards which I thought I lost, They are my favorite deck.


I've been missing my medication again, because I lost them for awhile and can't be bothered right now to get back on them. I've noticed the effects that happen when I don't take them, Everything and everyone feels not entirely there and I lie in my bed for hours because I don't have the strength to do anything much else. I get paranoid & anxious about the smallest of things and can't stand to sleep alone so I hug my pillow imagining it's someone else. But on the other hand I feel more creative and myself like this, When i'm on my anti-depressants I don't care about anything, I lack any sense of direction.

I wake from nightmares that feel so real, filled with my fears, vices, tears and death. When I awake I wonder if any of those things could've really happened.
All I want is to sleep through my life because I see myself failing & flailing and It won't stop. I feel like i'm just going through the motions. Half asleep, half awake, Waking up in messed up bedsheets from another night with a stranger who might as well stay nameless to me.

Songs currently on repeat:
The Twist - Metric
Weak Sister - Paper Rival
Precious Things - Tori Amos
Moonlight Bloodshed - Jena Malone and Her Bloodstains

Monday, May 3, 2010

Dream Symbolism | 4/5/10

If you dream of a person who has died a long time ago, then it suggests that a current situation or relationship in you life resembles the quality of that deceased person. The dream may depict how you need to let this situation or relationship die and end it.

To see your dead sibling, relative, or friend in your dream, indicates that you miss them and are trying to relive your old experiences you had with them. In trying to keep up with the pace of your daily waking life, you dreams may serve as your only outlet in coping and coming to terms with the loss of a loved one.

To dream that you are lost, suggests that you have lost your direction in life or that you have lost sight of your goals. You may be feeling worried and insecure about the path you are taking in life. Alternatively, you may be trying to adjust and get accustomed to a new situation in which the rules and conditions are ever changing.

To see or hear a telephone in your dream, signifies a message from your unconscious or some sort of telepathic communication. You may be forced to confront issues which you have tried to avoid. Alternatively, the telephone represents your communication and relationship with others.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Is that why they call me a sullen girl...

I can't find my medication today and I can already feel my anxiety creeping up out from the shadows. The coffee & cigarettes are giving me the shakes, I can see red spots blurring my vision and my heart is beating like a drum.

All I want now is to curl up in my bed and sleep in the darkness, but I can't leave this place. I sit here chain smoking and an ant crawls up my arm but I swear it was a spider. I flick it off and pray it landed on the ground safely because even the smallest of creatures deserve to live.

Nothing feels important to me, except the need for what I fool myself into thinking as intimacy, when all it really comes down to is sex with boys who know much better.

Songs currently on repeat:
Honest - Band of Skulls
Ambulance - Eisley
Sullen Girl - Fiona Apple
Dangerous Animals - Arctic Monkeys


love ♥ /
Incense, Witchcraft, Jack the Ripper, Cats, Vinyl Records, Dream Catchers, Bruises, Scars, Crystals, Tarot Cards, Expressionism, Mythology, Tattoos, Hair dye, Blood, Quotes, Polaroids, The Moon, 666, Cupcakes, Rain, Alcohol, Cuddling, Floral Patterns, Black Nail Polish, Coffee & Cigarettes, Fairy tales, Daydreaming, Sleep, Psychoanalysis, Mixtapes, Laddered tights, Red lipstick, Poetry, Kisses, Midnight walks, Pink hair, Photography, Sketching, Painting, The Rain, Ipod, The number 18, Rings, Crosses, Spring, Warm sweaters, Tattoos, Diet coke, Compliments, Trustworthy friends, Blogging, Fogs, Blankets, Love, My family, Crying, Graveyards, Lace, Black, Sex, Flannel Shirts, Campfires, Nostalgia, Red Wine, Wanderlust, Indulgences, Baking cookies, Having my hands touched, Thesaurus's, Flowers and Pretty Gardens, Sitting in the sunshine, Feeling wanted/loved.

Hate //

Feeling unloved, Getting paint on my clothes, Loneliness, Fire, Hangovers, Missing someone/something, Failure, Waiting, Windy days, Ugly/fat days, Barking dogs, Crowds, Crossing busy roads, Staring, Death, Slow walkers, Anxiety, Early mornings, Hospitals, Ipod or Phone having no battery, Being touched by strangers, Homophobia, Racism, Ignorance, Missing medication, People leaving me when I need them the most, Seeing people sad, My cat falling asleep on my lap when I need to get up.

You never told me about the fire.


When you’re so used to bouncing around life on your own, a body beside you can feel like love.

~ Ray Robinson

I’ve gotten to where I didn’t want to go, To where I never thought i’d end up. Lovesick and wanting more of what I know I can’t have, I have this impulsive need for affection and attention, It’s making me act like a different person. I’m beginning to lose control and I don’t know who I really am anymore.

Nights with only you by my side, I want to stay in that moment forever. Then you leave and I feel cold again. I cry inside every night I have to sleep alone, because this lingering loneliness is too hard to bear now. You’ve broken down my barriers, I want to let you in. If only you would let me.

Songs currently on repeat:
Sara – Fleetwood Mac
Machine Gun – Portishead
Hometown Glory - Adele
Samantha - Hole