......

Tonight I've started reading Girl, Interrupted which I've been meaning to read for months and months. This week I've been plagued with anxiety and sadness, to top it off I've been feel nauseous since Wednesday. My doctor upped my medication by 10mgs a fortnight ago but it hasn't seem to of helped. I can't stand the short and sometimes long periods of depression, it often feels like I'm choking on my tears and my heart starts to feel heavy. As for the anxiety, those periods last for less than an hour but are hard to handle, I feel like escaping from my body.

Dreams of Loneliness, like a heartbeat, drives you mad.

This week has been one of the most stressful weeks of my life, I've cried my heart out at least 3 times and been constantly on edge, I can't stop shaking my legs whenever I'm sitting down, It's a constant thing I've never really done before. I only went to 1 class this week at uni because I was too stressed to deal with it, I wish I did but I just didn't care.

I feel like sleeping forever, curling up in a ball and lying in darkness with nothing but music in my head and in my heart. I'm holding everything back so much and trying so hard that I feel it's just going to fall apart and spin out of control when I least expect. Just at the moment, I can't let my emotions get the better of me because a few of my loved ones are struggling and they're more important.

My dreams are haunting me with images of broken glass and past loves, I feel tired all the time like I'm a living walking zombie. Sometime I'll notice myself go into a state of dissociation, I'll be completely detached and then I'll come out of it and feel like I'm about to have a panic attack, It's becoming more frequent recently.


songs on high repetition:
- You've got the love by Florence + The Machine
- Beautiful Child by Fleetwood Mac
- Goldmines by Josh Pyke
- Be My Angel by Mazzy Star

The pills won't help you now.

Last week I was stuck at my dad's farm near Warrnambool, I hadn't taken my meds and I felt like I was coping fine without them, but you lose touch of reality when that happens (at least I do). It was only when my mother happened to know I haven't been taking them and told me that when I don't she notices I become emotionally more unstable that I realised how much they do make an impact.

For the last few months every so often I keep having recurring people appear in my dreams, people I'd rather forget and that I thought I've moved on from. So if I feel that I've forgot about those people who were a part of my life, why are they appearing in my unconscious? The part of it that bothers me is that when I wake up in the morning I remember everything and all the memories associated with that person floods back in my mind.


songs on high repetition:
† L.A. Song by Beth Hart
† I've been eating for you by Bright Eyes
† Moonshiner by Cat Power
† Heavy in your Heart by Florence + The Machine

Long lost.

Choking on my cigarettes,
I want to be the ash that burns my throat.
The wind calls my name,
But I ignore it.

That wind that whispers my name is dangerous,
It wants my self destruction; My end.
I can't go,
I won't.

Nothing but lonely men with lonely hearts,
secret desires who can't be trusted alone.
Lost girls with blood on their ankles,
Bruises where tenderness used to lay.

Russian vodka shot by shot,
Wandering down dark highways.
It's only a matter of time,
Before I follow that wind.