Tuesday, August 24, 2010


I’ve got that pounding headache again,

when the world could cave in at any moment but I wouldn’t care because in death loud noises & busy crowds don’t exist.

4 days of weeping and sleeping, I’m emotionally exhausted.

I’m so small I can only take so much, feel so much.

The only silence I get is from you and your sharpened tongue.

It cuts deeper than a razor against my pretty pale skin.

So here it goes again,

I’ll cut my tender heart in two for you, I have no need for it myself.

Dream about me...

I don't feel like writing much now, There's is too little to say. I suppose everyone who knows me well knows what happened last week and that I'm trying to make the right decisions that I need to make. It's always been a theory of mine that sometimes you need to hit rock bottom to get back up and I hope that is what will happen for me.

I've decided to only surround myself with people I trust and know will support me, I may have few of those kind of people but that's all I need. If they did leave me I know I'd be on edge, spiraling down like many times before, but I hope they won't.

Last week has just been sleeping/lying in bed wishing everything and everyone would disappear and it's still hard when my mood fluctuates but it's something I have to cope with, it's just sometimes the ups and downs are too hard to bear.

songs on high repetition:
Scott Pilgrim by Plumtree
Black Sheep by Metric
Anthems for a Seventeen Year Old Girl by Broken Social Scene
I need a child by Olivia Ruiz

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I am covered in skin, no one gets to come in.

I know in the past I've been accused of being attention seeking and I've denied it, And I still deny it then because in those instances I wasn't being attention seeking, I was out of control because that's how I am right now. But I've realized in some other ways I do seek attention because I have the need to feel loved or wanted, I do it in subtle ways though. For instance I may wear more revealing clothes sometimes so I get a response from males.

The anger and rejection that people with BPD display mean they are sometimes labeled as ‘bad,‘ ‘manipulative’ or ’attention-seeking’. While things they do may at times lead to confusion, distress or inconvenience for other people, it should be remembered that this behaviour results from feelings of fear, loneliness, desperation, or hopelessness associated with BPD. '

Lately it's been so cold, and this has not helped my mood one bit. Aside from the weather, I feel much more happier on a whole, I'm not cooped up in my dark bedroom like before as much and I'm seeing friends more. But i'm not holding my hopes up, things tend to go backwards for me when I least expect them too.

songs on high repetition:
Tide is high - Blondie
Misery - Maroon Five
Storms - Fleetwood Mac
Tourniquet - Rasputina

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

I want a boy who's so drunk he doesn't talk.

I'm tired, just when I thought my mood was beginning to stay stable, the intensity and unpredictable swinging from sadness to anxiety to anger and back again is creating chaos in my head. I can't think straight, or focus on anything and I feel like sleeping forever till I stop feeling like this. I feel like bursting into tears right now and I have no idea why, I've taken my meds and have had enough rest, I shouldn't feel like this.

It's also seems like the world is throwing happy people everywhere I go, laughter, kisses, hugs and fulfilling conversations wherever I sit, stand, walk. It makes me sick like someone is taunting at me with something I can never have for that long. I'm sick of waiting, I want to be selfish and have it all but life doesn't work that way and Mick Jagger was right when he sung/wrote You can't always get what you want.

songs on high repetition:
Big love by Fleetwood Mac
Firecracker by Ryan Adams
Lover I don't have to love by Bright Eyes
Tourniquet by Marilyn Manson

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Nothing to keep me from the storm.

I went shopping with my mum today because she wanted me to get some pyjamas and clothes, I usually refuse because I hate shopping, crowds and change rooms and those things combined make me anxious. But I wanted to do something today so I agreed, I got a top, shorts and superman long johns (1st picture) at Cotton on Body. A blue polka dot playsuit (2nd) at Sportsgirl and T-shirt (3rd) and black jacket at General pants co.

As far as my mood has been it's been stable with less emotional up and downs that I had only a few weeks. Yesterday I got my nose pierced I didn't it expect it to hurt as much as it did but It was worth the 2 minutes of pain I was in. On another note, my sweet tooth is getting me into trouble and I need to stop eating like I did when I was 5 years old and go on a diet ASAP.

songs on high repetition:
- You got the love (The xx remix) by Florence + The Machine
- If it makes you happy by Sheryl Crow
- Celestica by Crystal Castles
- I don't give a fuck by Peaches