Tuesday, May 4, 2010

You're better off unknown.

I found my box of records a few days ago, They were locked away in storage from when we moved months ago. Some are mine like:

- Songs of Love and Hate by Leonard Cohen
- Prince Charming by Adam and The Ants
- Blood on the Tracks by Bob Dylan

My parents also have some nice records I now have to play on my record player such as Van Morrison, INXS, Jimi Hendrix, The Clash...etc. I also found my Tarot Cards which I thought I lost, They are my favorite deck.


I've been missing my medication again, because I lost them for awhile and can't be bothered right now to get back on them. I've noticed the effects that happen when I don't take them, Everything and everyone feels not entirely there and I lie in my bed for hours because I don't have the strength to do anything much else. I get paranoid & anxious about the smallest of things and can't stand to sleep alone so I hug my pillow imagining it's someone else. But on the other hand I feel more creative and myself like this, When i'm on my anti-depressants I don't care about anything, I lack any sense of direction.

I wake from nightmares that feel so real, filled with my fears, vices, tears and death. When I awake I wonder if any of those things could've really happened.
All I want is to sleep through my life because I see myself failing & flailing and It won't stop. I feel like i'm just going through the motions. Half asleep, half awake, Waking up in messed up bedsheets from another night with a stranger who might as well stay nameless to me.

Songs currently on repeat:
The Twist - Metric
Weak Sister - Paper Rival
Precious Things - Tori Amos
Moonlight Bloodshed - Jena Malone and Her Bloodstains


  1. I have a lot of realistic nightmares too :|
    I've never been on medication, I never wanted to, 'cause I was afraid they'd change me. I'd rather be able to handle it myself, to learn to live with it. I hope it works out for you though.

    And lucky! That's so cool. I've always wanted a record player :')

  2. I guess it can but you don't realize it until you forget your dose or stop taking it.

    Buy one of ebay! That's where I bought mine and it was only $20AUS!