Your face saving promises, whispered like prayers.

My birthday is coming up next month and all I really want is the boy I like to be with me and to get a tattoo done. But I'm still undecided on what I want to get & where, I know I want something small but there is so many designs to choose from. I've been so happy the last week, It's kind of been intense but I won't tell you why!

Friday night was strange and so much happened, I got very drunk and ended up nursing a bad hangover on the following Saturday. Though I'm in a complete state of happiness, I feel like something is wrong at the same time, I know the choices i'm making are self destructive but I can't stop, I'm hungry for it all the time. I don't see what's wrong with it but I know my mother does and If I told others they would be worried about me too. I'm not sure if needing it so much is normal or even why I need it.

I can't stop thinking about this new guy I've been seeing, and I know he feels similar. I've never felt so connected to someone this way before, and it just was so instant from the first time we met. Maybe it's just pure lust, either way he's on my mind every day.

Him: You make me smile...I'm so glad I found you.

songs currently on repeat:
† Too Little, Too Late - Metric
† Plug in Baby - Muse
† Opus 34 - Dustin O'Halloran
† Love Lockdown - Kanye West

I like.

The task is: fill in 12 likes, 1 love and 8 hates like Cassie in her therapy video. Below, the bolded things are what you MUST include.

Abracadabra, Wow!

I like boys with tattoos & warm hearts and girls with pretty dresses

I like words from the soul

I like my collection of journals and old diaries

I like sleeping in till noon

I like looking at my cat sleeping peacefully on my bed

I like smoking cigarettes at the right time
I like finding old childhood toys
I like forgetting the past and focusing on the future
I like being left alone.
I like forgetting myself
I like surprise pancakes for breakfast
I like getting a text from the very person i want to get it them from

I love snuggling with my cat

Today I did nothing because I could
In some ways, I love everything.

Its less, its less of a thing to like, its less distinct, its less particular

I like things that I like but I love everything

There’s more choice in like

Cos even the worst things have things you love in them

I don’t know what you mean about things I hate

I hate feeling fragile

I hate being left alone

I hate not knowing

I hate wanting more, and having less

I hate 11:11
I hate my looks, but in a way, sometimes I feel beautiful
I hate disapoointing others

I hate myself

♥♥♥

I'm the slow dying flower, Frost killing hour.

Today I don't know how I feel, I'm calm but my limbs feel differently. My heart pounds and it feels as if there is an electric current running through my body. It's unexplainable but it's a sensation that scares me, perhaps it's normal but I just don't know anymore. I keep seeing people I know who just turn out to be strangers, maybe it's just the pills my doctor prescribes me but what if i'm losing it, for real this time. I don't feel like i'm completely here most of the time, as if I could wake up and my whole life was just a dream or a nightmare, I haven't decided which one yet.

______

I'm not sure if I like the attention anymore, some days I thrive on it. Other days I feel sick from those eyes that gaze over at me, they make me feel so weak, so small. They have nothing to offer me, I don't want them but I need what they give which may seem so insignificant but I'm needy like that. Some days I just feel so used.


Songs currently on repeat:
† Opus 36 - Dustin O'Halloran
† It's cool, We Can Still Be Friends - Bright Eyes
† Sleep - Imogen Heap
† Weather Systems - Andrew Bird

Tarot Reading ; Past. Present. Future

X. Wheel of Fortune.
Planet: Jupiter.

Positive associations: destiny, movement, vision, good luck, new cycle, synchronicity.

Negative associations: obstacles, temporary bad luck, unpleasant surprises .

When The Wheel of Fortune appears it heralds a new cycle in life, good luck and fortune. it is fate that has brought this into your life rather than your own doing.

This card heralds an end to current problems and rewards for past efforts.

Negatively The Wheel of Fortune is obviously turning in the opposite direction and heralds a time of misfortune and unpleasant surprises, however this is temporary - as the wheel turns downwards, in time it will turn up.

I. The Magician.
Planet: Mercury.

Positive associations: action, power, originality, confidence, individuality, willpower, new beginnings, potential.

Negative associations: trickery, deception, lack of self-confidence, indecision, abuse of power.

The Magician is an excellent omen symbolizing new opportunities, the importance of new enterprise and that you will have the willpower and initiative to succeed in whatever you do.

The mercurial nature of The Magician means that you will be able to think on your feet and bluff your way through any difficulties.

Negatively this card represents trickery or deception and is a warning to be careful of whom you place your trust in.

Another negative aspect of The Magician is that it may suggest that you are lacking in self-confidence and being indecisive.

IX. Nine of Cups.
Planet: Jupiter
Positive associations: Victory, success, advantage, gain, triumph, superiority, etc. "The heart's content."
Negative Associations: Faults, Errors, Mistakes, Imperfections.

In a divinatory tarot reading, the Nine of Cups is seen as a sign of contentment and satisfaction. It may indicate a specific goal that will be met, a dream that has been adequately fulfilled, or a long-held desire that has finally come to fruition. The Nine of Cups, depending on its context in a tarot reading and its position in a spread, might symbolize financial wealth, an end to a difficult time period, or satisfaction in a relationship.
The Nine of Cups tarot card might also be viewed by some tarot readers as a symbol of sensual pleasure, including pleasures of taste and tactile sensations. In a tarot spread that relates to erotic or romantic fantasies, the Nine of Cups often indicates a satisfying and stable sexual relationship. It is an especially pleasing card to see when a marriage or other relationship is in jeopardy.

I need some meaning I can memorise.

This weekend I've had the whole weekend to myself, My parents and siblings have gone down to the farm and are coming back later tonight. So i've been wandering around the hallways drinking nothing but coffee and eating porridge, Scamp (my cat) has been acting like a silly kitten.

Not long after the family left and I went into the bathroom to get ready for a bath, Scamp leaped into the empty bathtub and started drinking the tiny puddles of water. I ended up having to pull him out because he couldn''t get out of the bathtub himself.

I finished my essay and managed to do absolutely nothing all weekend because I could. Luke came over last night, It was nice but I felt a little out of it that night. We didn't do much, just what we always tend to do when we get together (; But I needed him there, I didn't want to be alone. I've felt incredibly needy for human affection lately and it's frustrating because it just causes more anxiety, which is not what I need.


songs currently on repeat:
† This side of the Blue - Joanna Newsom
† I cut like a buffalo - The Dead Weather
† I've been eating (For you) - Bright Eyes
† 2 Lakes - Mount Eerie

Steve Cox.

This is the work if my painting/drawing teacher. He's an amazing artist and I even found out he has his own wikipedia page. He's my favourite teacher and I'm so glad he likes my work, I remember him looking at my folio and telling me how my style is so unique compared to anyone else.

♥

3:45pm

I sit outside to smoke and just as I light up, I look up and a boy is smiling at me. I manage to shyly smile back then he asks “Excuse me, May I have a cigarette?” in a French accent. I draw one out and he mentions “Working all day without food or coffee is hard.”

Ten minutes pass and as he goes to butt out his cigarette he smiles charmingly and says “Thank you so much”. As he leaves he says something I couldn’t distinguish, smiles and winks at me as he walks out.

This made my day.

I’m not sure if he was using his charm as a way of bumming a cigarette of me, Which I would’ve given no matter what he looked like or how charismatic he was, I believe in sharing.

Dream Symbolism | 5/5/10

Alcohol
To dream that you are consuming alcohol in excess, signifies feelings of inadequacy, worries, regrets and fears of being discovered for who you really are. You are using alcohol as a way to escape or as an excuse for something you did. Alternatively, the dream may be reflective of waking issues and problems of alcoholism.

Anxiety
To dream that you are experiencing some anxiety in some affair, is a reflection of what you may be feeling during your waking life. You may have repressed thoughts, unexpressed emotions, resentment, and hostility that are triggering your anxiety dream. This dream also denotes that you are disastrous mixing business with pleasure.

Crying
To dream that you are crying, signifies a release of negative emotions that is more likely caused by some waking situation rather than the events of the dream itself. Your dream is a way to regain some emotional balance and a way to safely let out your fears and frustrations. In our daily lives, we tend to ignore, deny, or repress our feelings. But in our dream state, our defense mechanisms are no longer on guard and thus allow for the release of such emotions.

Fighting
To dream that you are in a fight, indicates inner turmoil. Some aspect of yourself is in conflict with another aspect of yourself. Perhaps an unresolved or unacknowledged part is fighting for its right to be heard. It may also parallel a fight or struggle that you are going through in your waking life.

Anger
To dream that you are holding or expressing anger, symbolizes frustrations and disappointments in your Self. You tend to repress your negative emotions or project your anger onto others. You need to look within yourself.

Being angry in your dream may have been carried over from your waking life. Dreams can function as a safe outlet where you can express your strong and/or negative emotions. You have some suppressed anger and aggression that you have not consciously acknowledged.

You're better off unknown.

I found my box of records a few days ago, They were locked away in storage from when we moved months ago. Some are mine like:

- Songs of Love and Hate by Leonard Cohen
- Prince Charming by Adam and The Ants
- Blood on the Tracks by Bob Dylan

My parents also have some nice records I now have to play on my record player such as Van Morrison, INXS, Jimi Hendrix, The Clash...etc. I also found my Tarot Cards which I thought I lost, They are my favorite deck.

______________________________________________________

I've been missing my medication again, because I lost them for awhile and can't be bothered right now to get back on them. I've noticed the effects that happen when I don't take them, Everything and everyone feels not entirely there and I lie in my bed for hours because I don't have the strength to do anything much else. I get paranoid & anxious about the smallest of things and can't stand to sleep alone so I hug my pillow imagining it's someone else. But on the other hand I feel more creative and myself like this, When i'm on my anti-depressants I don't care about anything, I lack any sense of direction.

I wake from nightmares that feel so real, filled with my fears, vices, tears and death. When I awake I wonder if any of those things could've really happened.
All I want is to sleep through my life because I see myself failing & flailing and It won't stop. I feel like i'm just going through the motions. Half asleep, half awake, Waking up in messed up bedsheets from another night with a stranger who might as well stay nameless to me.


Songs currently on repeat:
† The Twist - Metric
† Weak Sister - Paper Rival
† Precious Things - Tori Amos
† Moonlight Bloodshed - Jena Malone and Her Bloodstains

Dream Symbolism | 4/5/10

 
Dead
If you dream of a person who has died a long time ago, then it suggests that a current situation or relationship in you life resembles the quality of that deceased person. The dream may depict how you need to let this situation or relationship die and end it.

To see your dead sibling, relative, or friend in your dream, indicates that you miss them and are trying to relive your old experiences you had with them. In trying to keep up with the pace of your daily waking life, you dreams may serve as your only outlet in coping and coming to terms with the loss of a loved one.

Lost
To dream that you are lost, suggests that you have lost your direction in life or that you have lost sight of your goals. You may be feeling worried and insecure about the path you are taking in life. Alternatively, you may be trying to adjust and get accustomed to a new situation in which the rules and conditions are ever changing.

Telephone
To see or hear a telephone in your dream, signifies a message from your unconscious or some sort of telepathic communication. You may be forced to confront issues which you have tried to avoid. Alternatively, the telephone represents your communication and relationship with others.

Is that why they call me a sullen girl...

I can't find my medication today and I can already feel my anxiety creeping up out from the shadows. The coffee & cigarettes are giving me the shakes, I can see red spots blurring my vision and my heart is beating like a drum.

All I want now is to curl up in my bed and sleep in the darkness, but I can't leave this place. I sit here chain smoking and an ant crawls up my arm but I swear it was a spider. I flick it off and pray it landed on the ground safely because even the smallest of creatures deserve to live.

Nothing feels important to me, except the need for what I fool myself into thinking as intimacy, when all it really comes down to is sex with boys who know much better.


Songs currently on repeat:
† Honest - Band of Skulls
† Ambulance - Eisley
† Sullen Girl - Fiona Apple
† Dangerous Animals - Arctic Monkeys

Love/Hate.

love ♥ //
Incense, Witchcraft, Jack the Ripper, Cats, Vinyl Records, Dream Catchers, Bruises, Scars, Crystals, Tarot Cards, Expressionism, Mythology, Tattoos, Hair dye, Blood, Quotes, Polaroids, The Moon, 666, Cupcakes, Rain, Alcohol, Cuddling, Floral Patterns, Black Nail Polish, Coffee & Cigarettes, Fairy tales, Daydreaming, Sleep, Psychoanalysis, Mixtapes, Laddered tights, Red lipstick, Poetry, Kisses, Midnight walks, Pink hair, Photography, Sketching, Painting, The Rain, Ipod, The number 18, Rings, Crosses, Spring, Warm sweaters, Tattoos, Diet coke, Compliments, Trustworthy friends, Blogging, Fogs, Blankets, Love, My family, Crying, Graveyards, Lace, Black, Sex, Flannel Shirts, Campfires, Nostalgia, Red Wine, Wanderlust, Indulgences, Baking cookies, Having my hands touched, Thesaurus's, Flowers and Pretty Gardens, Sitting in the sunshine, Feeling wanted/loved.

Hate //

Feeling unloved, Getting paint on my clothes, Loneliness, Fire, Hangovers, Missing someone/something, Failure, Waiting, Windy days, Ugly/fat days, Barking dogs, Crowds, Crossing busy roads, Staring, Death, Slow walkers, Anxiety, Early mornings, Hospitals, Ipod or Phone having no battery, Being touched by strangers, Homophobia, Racism, Ignorance, Missing medication, People leaving me when I need them the most, Seeing people sad, My cat falling asleep on my lap when I need to get up.

You never told me about the fire.

When you’re so used to bouncing around life on your own, a body beside you can feel like love.

~ Ray Robinson

I’ve gotten to where I didn’t want to go, To where I never thought i’d end up. Lovesick and wanting more of what I know I can’t have, I have this impulsive need for affection and attention, It’s making me act like a different person. I’m beginning to lose control and I don’t know who I really am anymore.

Nights with only you by my side, I want to stay in that moment forever. Then you leave and I feel cold again. I cry inside every night I have to sleep alone, because this lingering loneliness is too hard to bear now. You’ve broken down my barriers, I want to let you in. If only you would let me.

Songs currently on repeat:
† Sara – Fleetwood Mac
† Machine Gun – Portishead
† Hometown Glory - Adele
† Samantha - Hole