Impulsiveness.

Definition:

Impulsiveness and Impulsivity - Impulsiveness - or Impulsivity - is the tendency to act or speak based on current feelings rather than logical reasoning.

Description:

Impulsiveness is a normal form of human behavior. All people make some decisions impulsively, based on"gut-feel", "instinct", mood or whim. Life would be very dull if all decisions were made based on logic. Human beings are not like "Mr. Spock" from the classic "Star Trek" series, who was incapable of emotional thought and was often confused by it.

Impulse can be a tremendous ally. Some people have made the best decisions of their lives impulsively. Many people make "big" decisions based on "gut feel" - decisions such as which career to follow, who to marry, where to buy a house, where to invest savings etc.

Impulse can, at the same time, be a tremendous liability. Some people have made the worst decisions of their lives on which career to follow, who to marry, where to buy a house, where to invest savings etc., impulsively based on that same "gut feel".

A key advantage in making decisions impulsively is speed. Impulsive decisions are unencumbered by the need to collect, sort and interpret large amounts of data, analyze cost-benefit ratios and predict and explore all possible consequences of an action. In some fast-paced environments - such as in stock-market security trading, extensive delays in decision-making can be costly.

Most mature, mentally healthy adults learn how to make decisions both impulsively and deliberately, balancing their impulsive urges with their logical reasoning, applying experiences they have learned to minimize risks and maximize the potential rewards. A married woman who has children may have the urge to have an affair with a co-worker, but she may reason that the consequences of the affair would be devastating to her children and her husband. A young man may feel the urge to drive his car at 120 mph, but he may restrain the urge because he knows he may wreck his car or may get pulled over by the police. An angry employee may feel the urge to kill a belligerent boss, but her ability to reason may convince her that such action may result in loss of her job, her freedom, her reputation.

Likewise, impulsive urges sometimes trump logical reasoning in a healthy way. A couple may travel to a vacation in Las Vegas and, knowing the odds are against them, may gamble some of their hard-earned money, knowing they will probably lose but enjoying the thrill of the chance that they just might win a fortune. A young graduate may decide to forego a great job opportunity because he/she wants to head off and "see the world" for a year. A man may decide to marry a woman who just "feels right" - not because she is the healthiest, prettiest girl he can attract.

Impulsivity becomes dysfunctional when decisions made impulsively routinely hurt, or hurt the interests of, he decision-maker, their immediate family or other innocent bystanders.

The frontal lobe, or frontal cortex, is the area of the brain located just behind the forehead. It has been shown by neurologists to be associated with predicting the consequences of actions, ethical decision-making and pattern recognition. In other words, the frontal cortex is the risk/reward-calculation zone of the brain. Experiments have shown that, in most people, the frontal cortex reaches full development at around the age of 25. The lag between full physical maturity and frontal cortex maturity is sometimes used to explain the apparent emotional immaturity in teenagers and young adults, who often make decisions which appear "reckless" to older adults.

In his best-selling book "Blink", author Malcolm Gladwell gives a very readable overview of how impulsive decision making can, at the same time be both a powerful asset and a costly liability.

There are 4 commonly used sub-categories for impulsiveness:

1. Urgency - A desire to act immediately to avoid missing a perceived opportunity.
2. Whimsical - Little or no serious consideration of positive and negative consequences of actions.
3. Procrastination - Unfettered acceptance of diversions to circumvent an undesirable task.
4. Thrill-seeking - Experiencing a thrill associated with taking a big risk.

Impulsiveness is sometimes measured using the Barratt Impulsiveness Scale.

Examples of Dysfunctional Impulsivity/Impulsiveness

• A man who spends the family's monthly budget on a "sure thing" at a gambling institution.
• A woman who wants to stay married but has a habit of having affairs.
• A man who repeatedly quits his job after less than 2 years.
• A man who, while taking care of his children, aggressively confronts a gang of youths on the street.
• An employee who berates and insults her boss & co-workers when faced with a minor disappointment.

What it feels like:

Depending on your situation and your own psychological make-up and your current mood, you may find episodes of impulsivity thrilling, exhausting, entertaining, frightening or threatening.

However, if you are a mentally healthy adult and you are living with a person who routinely exhibits a dysfunctional impulsiveness, you will likely be very concerned about your own safety and the safety of any children and/or innocent bystanders who are in the immediate sphere of influence of an impulsive individual.

You may feel frustrated at your inability to "talk sense" into such a person, or persuade them of the wisdom in your position.

You may also feel torn between a desire to run to safety and a desire to stay and try to help the person who is behaving impulsively.

Say it in broken english.

I think for a change there is only small problems in my life or maybe I'm just less stressed therefore I think there are less problems now, anyhow I'm content. Though lately I've been wondering about my love life, do I want a relationship? will having one do me for better or worse? I've got all these men on the side who may or may not have deeper feelings for me than just sex. But it's confusing me, who do I want? who can I or can't I have? I think the best thing is to just relax and let whatever that will happen to happen.

Today I got my dress from etsy today, It looked as great as it did in the photo and since I have a job interview tomorrow morning I think it'd be perfect to wear. I've still been getting my vivid dreams that have been going for the last week or so, some are nightmares but some are just weird and stick in my mind. I don't know what they're supposed to mean or why my dreams feel so significant all of a sudden.


songs on high repetition:
† Bad girls by M.I.A.
† Pain by Four Star Mary
† Planets of the Universe by Stevie Nicks
† Video Games (Cover) by Lucy Rose

The Ocean Breathes Salty...

The last week or so, my dreams have featured water in them at some point. They show floods, oceans, waterfalls...etc. I think dreams in general are sometimes very meaniful and significant, the fact that water is recurring in my dreams something. There are so many theorys, I don't know what it means...

Having water in your dreams is a very common occurrence. Whether you are dreaming of an ocean, a pond, or even a glass of water, it seems everyone dreams of water at some point in their lives. And in your dreams, water alludes to the most basic parts of ourselves - emotion. Water most always represents our waking emotion. Think about the dreams of water you have had...was the water crashing ocean waves? Then chances are your waking emotions were pretty rocky and heavy as well. Was the water dark, murky, and stagnant? Then you may well have been depressed or worried before you went to sleep.


The condition of, and placement of the water in your dream is the reflection of your waking mood. Cloudy swirling water may mean confusion, and clear crisp clean water may mean that you were very happy about something.

The only cases where water will not reflect upon the dreamers mood is when the water is part of a larger dream symbol, such as a hurricane, or a whirlpool. Dreaming of a hurricane may indicate a level or chaos in your life, or even on the more obvious level - that you are frightened of situations you cannot control. Dreaming of a whirlpool means that you are afraid that you will be overcome by a person or situation in your life.

Water, much like the emotion it represents, can be an ever changing element, and while the dream may indicate those things which are at the top of your subconscious, you may not immediately realize what the dream represents.


songs on high repetition:
† Demolition by Patrick Wolf
† A Boy named Sue by Johnny Cash
† All I want for Christmas is You by Mariah Carey
† Mad about You by Hooverponic

5 things |||

five things you will find if you open my bag:

1. ipod
2. wallet
3. my crappy phone
4. pack of marlboro gold cigarettes
5. makeup (foundation, mascara & concealer)

five things in my bedroom:

1. cans of energy drinks
2. 
incense
3. framed mark ryden paintings & photos of my grandparents
4. Stuffed teddies
5. bookshelf full of dvds & books

five things i want to do in my life:

1. look pretty
2. become an old cat lady
3. catch myself a DILF
4. have a career i love
5. live in new york city

five things that make me very happy:

1. snuggling with my cat
2. drinking vodka with company
3. blogging my life away
4. spooning with a boy in bed
5. sex

five things i’m currently into:

1. practical magic by alice hoffman
2. downloading music/movies
3. pretty lingerie
4. astrology
5. energy drinks

five things on my to-do list: 

1. buy a 1TB portable hard drive
2. re dye my hair
3. think of what i'm going to do for my birthday
4. buy more cigarettes
5. lose 2 kgs

five things some people may or may not know about you:

1. i go through food obsessions, where i eat one food basically all the time till i get sick of it and turn to something else.
2. when i was younger i could lucid dream and often get confused by my dreams with real life.
3. when i'm depressed i'm tired 24/7
4. family history fascinates me
5. i'm scared of the future

Shake your head, It's empty.

I remembered what it is I like about sex: what I like about sex is that I can lose myself in it entirely. Sex, in fact, is the most absorbing activity I have discovered in adulthood. Sex is the only thing I've found like that as a grown-up, give or take the odd film: books are no longer like that once you're out of your teens, and I've certainly never found it in my work. All the horrible pre-sex self-consciousness drains out of me, and I forget where I am, the time of day...and yes, I forget who I'm with, for the time being.

- High Fidelity, Nick Hornby

I feel used up, like my spirit has slowly been sucked away and there's little left. I don't see the point in washing my hair, going out or even waking up in the morning. I feel like I'm going through the motions and not actually connecting with anything around me. Walking down the street today, I didn't even feel like I existed, that I was hollow and empty.

And the boys, there hands and lips just exhaust me. I'm nothing but a rag-doll to them but as much as that makes me sick, I'm an addict for the attention. Like an alcoholic that is aware their habit is self damaging but still cannot stop, It's something I feel like I have very little control over.

songs on high repetition:
† Born This Way by Lady Gaga
† On the Bound by Fiona Apple
† Drumming Song by Florence + The Machine
† I Follow Rivers by Lykke Li

?

If you dream of an old friend, lover or relative, is there a deeper meaning to it?
What if you continuously mistake strangers walking down the street because they may have a physical similarity to the person you mistake them for?
Does your sudden love for children and babies mean you wish for children of your own?
Or is it rather the need for affection that children are often lavished with, but you lack?

I close my eyes the world drops dead ::

I've been in the strangest moods lately, I'm feeling very nostalgic and romantic. I've felt this in the past but it feels more real or maybe surreal this time, I'm reading Rough Magic: A Biography of Sylvia Plath and her sentiments on boys, sex and romance are somewhat familiar to mine. She dated plenty of men in her college years and was constantly disappointed to find they could not match up to her expectations, they are just boys and she needed a man.

Maybe months ago I wouldn't have minded going on numerous of dates with plenty of guys, in fact I did. But now I don't want that, it's dull, these "men" don't feel their heart or anywhere else for that matter. I want cliched romance and intimacy, the night ins, the small talks...there's something so detaching about dates and fooling around with boys who don't know any better.

songs on high repetition:
† How Can I Tell You by Cat Stevens
† Ant Music by Adam & The Ants
† Mad Girl's Love Song by Fisher
† Albion by Babyshambles

No sleep tonight...

I've been having bad dreams lately, I think it's become a something that has bothered me throughout this year, I've never had it so frequently before. They aren't usually nightmares, just distressing things that appear from my past, maybe I'm being told that I need resolve something within my past. All I know is I want it to stop, so I can wake up feeling at the very least like I had a decent sleep.

My moods are still not getting any better, the medication helps a bit but lately I've been having these short but intense mood swings particularly during the evening. Usually it's a swing of feeling very depressed and it hits hard and unexpectedly. It's almost unbearable, and sometimes sends me into moments of suicidal ideations.



songs on high repetition:
† Crash into me by Stevie Nicks
† Superstar by Tegan and Sara
† Everybody Cares, Everybody Understands by Elliott Smith
† Drain you by Nirvana

;;;

I’ve got that pounding headache again,
when the world could cave in at any moment but I wouldn’t care because in death loud noises & busy crowds don’t exist.
4 days of weeping and sleeping, I’m emotionally exhausted.
I’m so small I can only take so much, feel so much.
The only silence I get is from you and your sharpened tongue.
It cuts deeper than a razor against my pretty pale skin.
So here it goes again,
I’ll cut my tender heart in two for you, I have no need for it myself.

Dream about me...

I don't feel like writing much now, There's is too little to say. I suppose everyone who knows me well knows what happened last week and that I'm trying to make the right decisions that I need to make. It's always been a theory of mine that sometimes you need to hit rock bottom to get back up and I hope that is what will happen for me.

I've decided to only surround myself with people I trust and know will support me, I may have few of those kind of people but that's all I need. If they did leave me I know I'd be on edge, spiraling down like many times before, but I hope they won't.

Last week has just been sleeping/lying in bed wishing everything and everyone would disappear and it's still hard when my mood fluctuates but it's something I have to cope with, it's just sometimes the ups and downs are too hard to bear.


songs on high repetition:
† Scott Pilgrim by Plumtree
† Black Sheep by Metric
† Anthems for a Seventeen Year Old Girl by Broken Social Scene
† I need a child by Olivia Ruiz

I am covered in skin, no one gets to come in.

I know in the past I've been accused of being attention seeking and I've denied it, And I still deny it then because in those instances I wasn't being attention seeking, I was out of control because that's how I am right now. But I've realized in some other ways I do seek attention because I have the need to feel loved or wanted, I do it in subtle ways though. For instance I may wear more revealing clothes sometimes so I get a response from males.

'The anger and rejection that people with BPD display mean they are sometimes labeled as ‘bad,‘ ‘manipulative’ or ’attention-seeking’. While things they do may at times lead to confusion, distress or inconvenience for other people, it should be remembered that this behaviour results from feelings of fear, loneliness, desperation, or hopelessness associated with BPD. '

Lately it's been so cold, and this has not helped my mood one bit. Aside from the weather, I feel much more happier on a whole, I'm not cooped up in my dark bedroom like before as much and I'm seeing friends more. But i'm not holding my hopes up, things tend to go backwards for me when I least expect them too.


songs on high repetition:
† Tide is high - Blondie
† Misery - Maroon Five
† Storms - Fleetwood Mac
† Tourniquet - Rasputina

I want a boy who's so drunk he doesn't talk.

I'm tired, just when I thought my mood was beginning to stay stable, the intensity and unpredictable swinging from sadness to anxiety to anger and back again is creating chaos in my head. I can't think straight, or focus on anything and I feel like sleeping forever till I stop feeling like this. I feel like bursting into tears right now and I have no idea why, I've taken my meds and have had enough rest, I shouldn't feel like this.

It's also seems like the world is throwing happy people everywhere I go, laughter, kisses, hugs and fulfilling conversations wherever I sit, stand, walk. It makes me sick like someone is taunting at me with something I can never have for that long. I'm sick of waiting, I want to be selfish and have it all but life doesn't work that way and Mick Jagger was right when he sung/wrote You can't always get what you want.


songs on high repetition:
† Big love by Fleetwood Mac
† Firecracker by Ryan Adams
† Lover I don't have to love by Bright Eyes
† Tourniquet by Marilyn Manson

Nothing to keep me from the storm.

I went shopping with my mum today because she wanted me to get some pyjamas and clothes, I usually refuse because I hate shopping, crowds and change rooms and those things combined make me anxious. But I wanted to do something today so I agreed, I got a top, shorts and superman long johns (1st picture) at Cotton on Body. A blue polka dot playsuit (2nd) at Sportsgirl and T-shirt (3rd) and black jacket at General pants co.

As far as my mood has been it's been stable with less emotional up and downs that I had only a few weeks. Yesterday I got my nose pierced I didn't it expect it to hurt as much as it did but It was worth the 2 minutes of pain I was in. On another note, my sweet tooth is getting me into trouble and I need to stop eating like I did when I was 5 years old and go on a diet ASAP.



songs on high repetition:
- You got the love (The xx remix) by Florence + The Machine
- If it makes you happy by Sheryl Crow
- Celestica by Crystal Castles
- I don't give a fuck by Peaches

......

Tonight I've started reading Girl, Interrupted which I've been meaning to read for months and months. This week I've been plagued with anxiety and sadness, to top it off I've been feel nauseous since Wednesday. My doctor upped my medication by 10mgs a fortnight ago but it hasn't seem to of helped. I can't stand the short and sometimes long periods of depression, it often feels like I'm choking on my tears and my heart starts to feel heavy. As for the anxiety, those periods last for less than an hour but are hard to handle, I feel like escaping from my body.

Dreams of Loneliness, like a heartbeat, drives you mad.

This week has been one of the most stressful weeks of my life, I've cried my heart out at least 3 times and been constantly on edge, I can't stop shaking my legs whenever I'm sitting down, It's a constant thing I've never really done before. I only went to 1 class this week at uni because I was too stressed to deal with it, I wish I did but I just didn't care.

I feel like sleeping forever, curling up in a ball and lying in darkness with nothing but music in my head and in my heart. I'm holding everything back so much and trying so hard that I feel it's just going to fall apart and spin out of control when I least expect. Just at the moment, I can't let my emotions get the better of me because a few of my loved ones are struggling and they're more important.

My dreams are haunting me with images of broken glass and past loves, I feel tired all the time like I'm a living walking zombie. Sometime I'll notice myself go into a state of dissociation, I'll be completely detached and then I'll come out of it and feel like I'm about to have a panic attack, It's becoming more frequent recently.


songs on high repetition:
- You've got the love by Florence + The Machine
- Beautiful Child by Fleetwood Mac
- Goldmines by Josh Pyke
- Be My Angel by Mazzy Star

The pills won't help you now.

Last week I was stuck at my dad's farm near Warrnambool, I hadn't taken my meds and I felt like I was coping fine without them, but you lose touch of reality when that happens (at least I do). It was only when my mother happened to know I haven't been taking them and told me that when I don't she notices I become emotionally more unstable that I realised how much they do make an impact.

For the last few months every so often I keep having recurring people appear in my dreams, people I'd rather forget and that I thought I've moved on from. So if I feel that I've forgot about those people who were a part of my life, why are they appearing in my unconscious? The part of it that bothers me is that when I wake up in the morning I remember everything and all the memories associated with that person floods back in my mind.


songs on high repetition:
† L.A. Song by Beth Hart
† I've been eating for you by Bright Eyes
† Moonshiner by Cat Power
† Heavy in your Heart by Florence + The Machine

Long lost.

Choking on my cigarettes,
I want to be the ash that burns my throat.
The wind calls my name,
But I ignore it.

That wind that whispers my name is dangerous,
It wants my self destruction; My end.
I can't go,
I won't.

Nothing but lonely men with lonely hearts,
secret desires who can't be trusted alone.
Lost girls with blood on their ankles,
Bruises where tenderness used to lay.

Russian vodka shot by shot,
Wandering down dark highways.
It's only a matter of time,
Before I follow that wind.

Your heart's a mess, You won't admit to it.

The last 2 weeks (or so) have been turbulent, most of my life has been up and down but lately everything has been so extreme. One moment i'll be in tears, the next i'm on cloud nine. These both ends of the spectrum have been a regular thing lately.

Missing my medication for almost a week now has probably made everything much more intense particualry with my already abnormal mood swings. I'm crying more often and about almost everything, even when i've been happy i've cried. Mostly because sometimes my happiness scares me, it's not a feeling i'm used to and it never lasts long.

I may look like i'm strong to some people. But truth is i'm a small, fragile person and when life throws rocks at me. I get scratched and cut, most people can bandage themselves up but me, I just keep bleeding.


Songs on high repetition:
- Lost girls by Tilly and the Wall
- Jump in the Line by Harry Belafonte
- Fireflies by Fleetwood Mac
- Bad Moon Rising by Rasputina

Borderline Personality Disorder

Crazy isn't being broken or swallowing a dark secret. It's you or me amplified. If you ever told a lie and enjoyed it. If you ever wished you could be a child forever.
- Girl, Interrupted by Susanna Kaysen

What causes Borderline Personality Disorder?

Linehan theorizes that borderlines are born with an innate biological tendency to react more intensely to lower levels of stress than others and to take longer to recover. They peak "higher" emotionally on less provocation and take longer coming down. In addition, they were raised in environments in which their beliefs about themselves and their environment were continually devalued and invalidated. These factors combine to create adults who are uncertain of the truth of their own feelings and who are confronted by three basic dialectics they have failed to master (and thus rush frantically from pole to pole of):

• vulnerability vs invalidation
• active passivity (tendency to be passive when confronted with a problem and actively seek a rescuer) vs apparent competence (appearing to be capable when in reality internally things are falling apart)
• unremitting crises vs inhibited grief.

Kernberg's Borderline Personality Organization

Diagnoses of BPO are based on three categories of criteria. The first, and most important, category, comprises two signs:

• the absence of psychosis (i.e., the ability to perceive reality accurately)
• impaired ego integration - a diffuse and internally contradictory concept of self. Kernberg is quoted as saying, "Borderlines can describe themselves for five hours without your getting a realistic picture of what they're like."
  

The second category is termed "nonspecific signs" and includes such things as low anxiety tolerance, poor impulse control, and an undeveloped or poor ability to enjoy work or hobbies in a meaningful way.

Kernberg believes that borderlines are distinguished from neurotics by the presence of "primitive defenses." Chief among these is splitting, in which a person or thing is seen as all good or all bad. Note that something which is all good one day can be all bad the next, which is related to another symptom: borderlines have problems with object constancy in people -- they read each action of people in their lives as if there were no prior context; they don't have a sense of continuity and consistency about people and things in their lives. They have a hard time experiencing an absent loved one as a loving presence in their minds. They also have difficulty seeing all of the actions taken by a person over a period of time as part of an integrated whole, and tend instead to analyze individual actions in an attempt to divine their individual meanings. People are defined by how they lasted interacted with the borderline.

Other primitive defenses cited include magical thinking (beliefs that thoughts can cause events), omnipotence, projection of unpleasant characteristics in the self onto others and projective identification, a process where the borderline tries to elicit in others the feelings s/he is having. Kernberg also includes as signs of BPO chaotic, extreme relationships with others; an inability to retain the soothing memory of a loved one; transient psychotic episodes; denial; and emotional amnesia.

About the last, Linehan says, "Borderline individuals are so completely in each mood, they have great difficulty conceptualizing, remembering what it's like to be in another mood."

Gunderson's conception of BPD

Gunderson, a psychoanalystfocus tends to be on the differential diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, and Cauwels gives Gunderson's criteria in order of their importance:

• Intense unstable relationships in which the borderline always ends up getting hurt. Gunderson admits that this symptom is somewhat general, but considers it so central to BPD that he says he would hesitate to diagnose a patient as BPD without its presence.
• Repetitive self-destructive behaviour, often designed to prompt rescue.
• Chronic fear of abandonment and panic when forced to be alone.
• Distorted thoughts/perceptions, particularly in terms of relationships and interactions with others.
• Hypersensitivity, meaning an unusual sensitivity to nonverbal communication. Gunderson notes that this can be confused with distortion if practitioners are not careful (somewhat similar to Herman's statement that, while survivors of intense long-term trauma may have unrealistic notions of the power realities of the situation they were in, their notions are likely to be closer to reality than the therapist might think).
• Impulsive behaviors that often embarrass the borderline later.
• Poor social adaptation: in a way, borderlines tend not to know or understand the rules regarding performance in job and academic settings.

The Diagnostic Interview for Borderlines, Revised

The DIB was revised in 1989 to sharpen its ability to differentiate between BPD and other personality disorders. It considers symptoms that fall under four main headings:

1. Affect
   • chronic/major depression
   • helplessness
   • hopelessness
   • worthlessness
   • guilt
   • anger (including frequent expressions of anger)
   • anxiety
   • loneliness
   • boredom
   • emptiness
2. Cognition
   • odd thinking
   • unusual perceptions
   • nondelusional paranoia
   • quasipsychosis
3. Impulse action patterns
   • substance abuse/dependence
   • sexual deviance
   • manipulative suicide gestures
   • other impulsive behaviors
4. Interpersonal relationships
   • intolerance of aloneness
   • abandonment, engulfment, annihilation fears
   • counterdependency
   • stormy relationships
   • manipulativeness
   • dependency
   • devaluation
   • masochism/sadism
   • demandingness
   • entitlement

The DIB-R is the most influential and best-known "test" for diagnosing BPD. Use of it has led researchers to identify four behavior patterns they consider peculiar to BPD: abandonment, engulfment, annihilation fears; demandingness and entitlement; treatment regressions; and ability to arouse inappropriately close or hostile treatment relationships.
DSM-IV criteria The DSM-IV gives these nine criteria; a diagnosis requires that the subject present with at least five of these. In I Hate You -- Don't Leave Me! Jerold Kriesman and Hal Straus refer to BPD as "emotional hemophilia; [a borderline] lacks the clotting mechanism needed to moderate his spurts of feeling. Stimulate a passion, and the borderline emotionally bleeds to death."

Traits involving emotions: Quite frequently people with BPD have a very hard time controlling their emotions. They may feel ruled by them. One researcher (Marsha Linehan) said, "People with BPD are like people with third degree burns over 90% of their bodies. Lacking emotional skin, they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement."

1. Shifts in mood lasting only a few hours.

2. Anger that is inappropriate, intense or uncontrollable.

Traits involving behaviour: 3. Self-destructive acts, such as self-mutilation or suicidal threats and gestures that happen more than once

4. Two potentially self-damaging impulsive behaviours. These could include alcohol and other drug abuse, compulsive spending, gambling, eating disorders, shoplifting, reckless driving, compulsive sexual behaviour.

Traits involving identity 5. Marked, persistent identity disturbance shown by uncertainty in at least two areas. These areas can include self-image, sexual orientation, career choice or other long-term goals, friendships, values. People with BPD may not feel like they know who they are, or what they think, or what their opinions are, or what religion they should be. Instead, they may try to be what they think other people want them to be. Someone with BPD said, "I have a hard time figuring out my personality. I tend to be whomever I'm with."

6. Chronic feelings of emptiness or boredom. Someone with BPD said, "I remember describing the feeling of having a deep hole in my stomach. An emptiness that I didn't know how to fill. My therapist told me that was from almost a "lack of a life". The more things you get into your life, the more relationships you get involved in, all of that fills that hole. As a borderline, I had no life. There were times when I couldn't stay in the same room with other people. It almost felt like what I think a panic attack would feel like."

Traits involving relationships 7. Unstable, chaotic intense relationships characterized by splitting.

8. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

• Splitting: the self and others are viewed as "all good" or "all bad." Someone with BPD said, "One day I would think my doctor was the best and I loved her, but if she challenged me in any way I hated her. There was no middle ground as in like. In my world, people were either the best or the worst. I couldn't understand the concept of middle ground."
• Alternating clinging and distancing behaviours. Sometimes you want to be close to someone. But when you get close it feels TOO close and you feel like you have to get some space. This happens often.
• Great difficulty trusting people and themselves. Early trust may have been shattered by people who were close to you.
• Sensitivity to criticism or rejection.
• Feeling of "needing" someone else to survive
• Heavy need for affection and reassurance
• Some people with BPD may have an unusually high degree of interpersonal sensitivity, insight and empathy

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms. This means feeling "out of it," or not being able to remember what you said or did. This mostly happens in times of severe stress.

Miscellaneous attributes of people with BPD:

• People with BPD are often bright, witty, funny, life of the party.
• They may have problems with object constancy. When a person leaves (even temporarily), they may have a problem recreating or remembering feelings of love that were present between themselves and the other. Often, BPD patients want to keep something belonging to the loved one around during separations.
• They frequently have difficulty tolerating aloneness, even for short periods of time.
• Their lives may be a chaotic landscape of job losses, interrupted educational pursuits, broken engagements, hospitalizations.
• Many have a background of childhood physical, sexual, or emotional abuse or physical/emotional neglect

I was born -- I hate this part.

Since Saturday I've been in Warrnambool with my parents and brother & sister, It's been so dull here but at least i've gotten a bit of reading done, i'm half way done reading Jane Eyre.

Today it was my brothers birthday, I woke up to pancakes with maple syrup and at 2pm we all went down to Grandma's to have afternoon tea with my aunty, uncle and cousins. I ate too much cupcakes, cake & cookies but got to play with my cousin Ashley's puppy Pippy. After singing happy birthday and talking with everyone, we left to get ready to go out for dinner.

We orginally were going to the thai restraunt but it was closed so instead we went to the local restraunt/pub, I ordered diet coke and ham & cheese pizza that I shared with my sister, Rose. Dad bought an expensive bottle of champagne and ended up drunk by the end of the night, which is always an entertaining to see.

Songs currently on repeat:
† The Last of the Famous International Playboys - Morrissey
† Take it off - The Donnas
† Paint it black - The Rolling Stones
† Violet - Hole