Say it in broken english.

I think for a change there is only small problems in my life or maybe I'm just less stressed therefore I think there are less problems now, anyhow I'm content. Though lately I've been wondering about my love life, do I want a relationship? will having one do me for better or worse? I've got all these men on the side who may or may not have deeper feelings for me than just sex. But it's confusing me, who do I want? who can I or can't I have? I think the best thing is to just relax and let whatever that will happen to happen.

Today I got my dress from etsy today, It looked as great as it did in the photo and since I have a job interview tomorrow morning I think it'd be perfect to wear. I've still been getting my vivid dreams that have been going for the last week or so, some are nightmares but some are just weird and stick in my mind. I don't know what they're supposed to mean or why my dreams feel so significant all of a sudden.


songs on high repetition:
† Bad girls by M.I.A.
† Pain by Four Star Mary
† Planets of the Universe by Stevie Nicks
† Video Games (Cover) by Lucy Rose

Shake your head, It's empty.

I remembered what it is I like about sex: what I like about sex is that I can lose myself in it entirely. Sex, in fact, is the most absorbing activity I have discovered in adulthood. Sex is the only thing I've found like that as a grown-up, give or take the odd film: books are no longer like that once you're out of your teens, and I've certainly never found it in my work. All the horrible pre-sex self-consciousness drains out of me, and I forget where I am, the time of day...and yes, I forget who I'm with, for the time being.

- High Fidelity, Nick Hornby

I feel used up, like my spirit has slowly been sucked away and there's little left. I don't see the point in washing my hair, going out or even waking up in the morning. I feel like I'm going through the motions and not actually connecting with anything around me. Walking down the street today, I didn't even feel like I existed, that I was hollow and empty.

And the boys, there hands and lips just exhaust me. I'm nothing but a rag-doll to them but as much as that makes me sick, I'm an addict for the attention. Like an alcoholic that is aware their habit is self damaging but still cannot stop, It's something I feel like I have very little control over.

songs on high repetition:
† Born This Way by Lady Gaga
† On the Bound by Fiona Apple
† Drumming Song by Florence + The Machine
† I Follow Rivers by Lykke Li

I close my eyes the world drops dead ::

I've been in the strangest moods lately, I'm feeling very nostalgic and romantic. I've felt this in the past but it feels more real or maybe surreal this time, I'm reading Rough Magic: A Biography of Sylvia Plath and her sentiments on boys, sex and romance are somewhat familiar to mine. She dated plenty of men in her college years and was constantly disappointed to find they could not match up to her expectations, they are just boys and she needed a man.

Maybe months ago I wouldn't have minded going on numerous of dates with plenty of guys, in fact I did. But now I don't want that, it's dull, these "men" don't feel their heart or anywhere else for that matter. I want cliched romance and intimacy, the night ins, the small talks...there's something so detaching about dates and fooling around with boys who don't know any better.

songs on high repetition:
† How Can I Tell You by Cat Stevens
† Ant Music by Adam & The Ants
† Mad Girl's Love Song by Fisher
† Albion by Babyshambles

Is that why they call me a sullen girl...

I can't find my medication today and I can already feel my anxiety creeping up out from the shadows. The coffee & cigarettes are giving me the shakes, I can see red spots blurring my vision and my heart is beating like a drum.

All I want now is to curl up in my bed and sleep in the darkness, but I can't leave this place. I sit here chain smoking and an ant crawls up my arm but I swear it was a spider. I flick it off and pray it landed on the ground safely because even the smallest of creatures deserve to live.

Nothing feels important to me, except the need for what I fool myself into thinking as intimacy, when all it really comes down to is sex with boys who know much better.


Songs currently on repeat:
† Honest - Band of Skulls
† Ambulance - Eisley
† Sullen Girl - Fiona Apple
† Dangerous Animals - Arctic Monkeys