I want a boy who's so drunk he doesn't talk.

I'm tired, just when I thought my mood was beginning to stay stable, the intensity and unpredictable swinging from sadness to anxiety to anger and back again is creating chaos in my head. I can't think straight, or focus on anything and I feel like sleeping forever till I stop feeling like this. I feel like bursting into tears right now and I have no idea why, I've taken my meds and have had enough rest, I shouldn't feel like this.

It's also seems like the world is throwing happy people everywhere I go, laughter, kisses, hugs and fulfilling conversations wherever I sit, stand, walk. It makes me sick like someone is taunting at me with something I can never have for that long. I'm sick of waiting, I want to be selfish and have it all but life doesn't work that way and Mick Jagger was right when he sung/wrote You can't always get what you want.


songs on high repetition:
† Big love by Fleetwood Mac
† Firecracker by Ryan Adams
† Lover I don't have to love by Bright Eyes
† Tourniquet by Marilyn Manson

Your heart's a mess, You won't admit to it.

The last 2 weeks (or so) have been turbulent, most of my life has been up and down but lately everything has been so extreme. One moment i'll be in tears, the next i'm on cloud nine. These both ends of the spectrum have been a regular thing lately.

Missing my medication for almost a week now has probably made everything much more intense particualry with my already abnormal mood swings. I'm crying more often and about almost everything, even when i've been happy i've cried. Mostly because sometimes my happiness scares me, it's not a feeling i'm used to and it never lasts long.

I may look like i'm strong to some people. But truth is i'm a small, fragile person and when life throws rocks at me. I get scratched and cut, most people can bandage themselves up but me, I just keep bleeding.


Songs on high repetition:
- Lost girls by Tilly and the Wall
- Jump in the Line by Harry Belafonte
- Fireflies by Fleetwood Mac
- Bad Moon Rising by Rasputina

Alone in suicide, which is deeper than death.

Lux is the pivotal role, as she is the only girl which the boys obtain sufficient information about, her emotions and overall feelings can be layed onto the remaining sisters, each; although seemingly toned down, would have much similar frustrations. She keeps the boys in touch with the group of girls, as much as possible without physical interaction. She is both the subject and contractor of the main events within the story.

If I was a lisbon girl I'd be a cross between Cecilia & Lux. Cecilia for her emotional instability and strangeness & Lux for her lack of self control and need for closeness. Suicide is in their blood and sometimes I feel like it's in mine because like them I just keep going through the motions and in circles of self destruction through whatever means possible.

Today I cried in my session with the psychologist for the first time ever, I was crying previously but held many of my tears back. As soon as I came in the room and she asked how I was I bursted into tears and couldn't pull myself together till 5 minutes later.

The past couple of days I've been sick with the worst headache i've had in my life as well as a sore throat. It kept me up till 2am last night and lying in bed is not fun when you have a throbbing headache and tend to ruminate about everything that surrounds your life.


Songs currently on repeat:
† Rapper's Delight - The Sugarhill Gang
† Instant Pleasure - Rufus Wainwright
† When Doves Cry (Cover) - Damien Rice
† Little Red Corvette - Prince