No sleep tonight...

I've been having bad dreams lately, I think it's become a something that has bothered me throughout this year, I've never had it so frequently before. They aren't usually nightmares, just distressing things that appear from my past, maybe I'm being told that I need resolve something within my past. All I know is I want it to stop, so I can wake up feeling at the very least like I had a decent sleep.

My moods are still not getting any better, the medication helps a bit but lately I've been having these short but intense mood swings particularly during the evening. Usually it's a swing of feeling very depressed and it hits hard and unexpectedly. It's almost unbearable, and sometimes sends me into moments of suicidal ideations.



songs on high repetition:
† Crash into me by Stevie Nicks
† Superstar by Tegan and Sara
† Everybody Cares, Everybody Understands by Elliott Smith
† Drain you by Nirvana

I want a boy who's so drunk he doesn't talk.

I'm tired, just when I thought my mood was beginning to stay stable, the intensity and unpredictable swinging from sadness to anxiety to anger and back again is creating chaos in my head. I can't think straight, or focus on anything and I feel like sleeping forever till I stop feeling like this. I feel like bursting into tears right now and I have no idea why, I've taken my meds and have had enough rest, I shouldn't feel like this.

It's also seems like the world is throwing happy people everywhere I go, laughter, kisses, hugs and fulfilling conversations wherever I sit, stand, walk. It makes me sick like someone is taunting at me with something I can never have for that long. I'm sick of waiting, I want to be selfish and have it all but life doesn't work that way and Mick Jagger was right when he sung/wrote You can't always get what you want.


songs on high repetition:
† Big love by Fleetwood Mac
† Firecracker by Ryan Adams
† Lover I don't have to love by Bright Eyes
† Tourniquet by Marilyn Manson

The pills won't help you now.

Last week I was stuck at my dad's farm near Warrnambool, I hadn't taken my meds and I felt like I was coping fine without them, but you lose touch of reality when that happens (at least I do). It was only when my mother happened to know I haven't been taking them and told me that when I don't she notices I become emotionally more unstable that I realised how much they do make an impact.

For the last few months every so often I keep having recurring people appear in my dreams, people I'd rather forget and that I thought I've moved on from. So if I feel that I've forgot about those people who were a part of my life, why are they appearing in my unconscious? The part of it that bothers me is that when I wake up in the morning I remember everything and all the memories associated with that person floods back in my mind.


songs on high repetition:
† L.A. Song by Beth Hart
† I've been eating for you by Bright Eyes
† Moonshiner by Cat Power
† Heavy in your Heart by Florence + The Machine

Your heart's a mess, You won't admit to it.

The last 2 weeks (or so) have been turbulent, most of my life has been up and down but lately everything has been so extreme. One moment i'll be in tears, the next i'm on cloud nine. These both ends of the spectrum have been a regular thing lately.

Missing my medication for almost a week now has probably made everything much more intense particualry with my already abnormal mood swings. I'm crying more often and about almost everything, even when i've been happy i've cried. Mostly because sometimes my happiness scares me, it's not a feeling i'm used to and it never lasts long.

I may look like i'm strong to some people. But truth is i'm a small, fragile person and when life throws rocks at me. I get scratched and cut, most people can bandage themselves up but me, I just keep bleeding.


Songs on high repetition:
- Lost girls by Tilly and the Wall
- Jump in the Line by Harry Belafonte
- Fireflies by Fleetwood Mac
- Bad Moon Rising by Rasputina

I'm the slow dying flower, Frost killing hour.

Today I don't know how I feel, I'm calm but my limbs feel differently. My heart pounds and it feels as if there is an electric current running through my body. It's unexplainable but it's a sensation that scares me, perhaps it's normal but I just don't know anymore. I keep seeing people I know who just turn out to be strangers, maybe it's just the pills my doctor prescribes me but what if i'm losing it, for real this time. I don't feel like i'm completely here most of the time, as if I could wake up and my whole life was just a dream or a nightmare, I haven't decided which one yet.

______

I'm not sure if I like the attention anymore, some days I thrive on it. Other days I feel sick from those eyes that gaze over at me, they make me feel so weak, so small. They have nothing to offer me, I don't want them but I need what they give which may seem so insignificant but I'm needy like that. Some days I just feel so used.


Songs currently on repeat:
† Opus 36 - Dustin O'Halloran
† It's cool, We Can Still Be Friends - Bright Eyes
† Sleep - Imogen Heap
† Weather Systems - Andrew Bird

You're better off unknown.

I found my box of records a few days ago, They were locked away in storage from when we moved months ago. Some are mine like:

- Songs of Love and Hate by Leonard Cohen
- Prince Charming by Adam and The Ants
- Blood on the Tracks by Bob Dylan

My parents also have some nice records I now have to play on my record player such as Van Morrison, INXS, Jimi Hendrix, The Clash...etc. I also found my Tarot Cards which I thought I lost, They are my favorite deck.

______________________________________________________

I've been missing my medication again, because I lost them for awhile and can't be bothered right now to get back on them. I've noticed the effects that happen when I don't take them, Everything and everyone feels not entirely there and I lie in my bed for hours because I don't have the strength to do anything much else. I get paranoid & anxious about the smallest of things and can't stand to sleep alone so I hug my pillow imagining it's someone else. But on the other hand I feel more creative and myself like this, When i'm on my anti-depressants I don't care about anything, I lack any sense of direction.

I wake from nightmares that feel so real, filled with my fears, vices, tears and death. When I awake I wonder if any of those things could've really happened.
All I want is to sleep through my life because I see myself failing & flailing and It won't stop. I feel like i'm just going through the motions. Half asleep, half awake, Waking up in messed up bedsheets from another night with a stranger who might as well stay nameless to me.


Songs currently on repeat:
† The Twist - Metric
† Weak Sister - Paper Rival
† Precious Things - Tori Amos
† Moonlight Bloodshed - Jena Malone and Her Bloodstains

Is that why they call me a sullen girl...

I can't find my medication today and I can already feel my anxiety creeping up out from the shadows. The coffee & cigarettes are giving me the shakes, I can see red spots blurring my vision and my heart is beating like a drum.

All I want now is to curl up in my bed and sleep in the darkness, but I can't leave this place. I sit here chain smoking and an ant crawls up my arm but I swear it was a spider. I flick it off and pray it landed on the ground safely because even the smallest of creatures deserve to live.

Nothing feels important to me, except the need for what I fool myself into thinking as intimacy, when all it really comes down to is sex with boys who know much better.


Songs currently on repeat:
† Honest - Band of Skulls
† Ambulance - Eisley
† Sullen Girl - Fiona Apple
† Dangerous Animals - Arctic Monkeys