No sleep tonight...

I've been having bad dreams lately, I think it's become a something that has bothered me throughout this year, I've never had it so frequently before. They aren't usually nightmares, just distressing things that appear from my past, maybe I'm being told that I need resolve something within my past. All I know is I want it to stop, so I can wake up feeling at the very least like I had a decent sleep.

My moods are still not getting any better, the medication helps a bit but lately I've been having these short but intense mood swings particularly during the evening. Usually it's a swing of feeling very depressed and it hits hard and unexpectedly. It's almost unbearable, and sometimes sends me into moments of suicidal ideations.



songs on high repetition:
† Crash into me by Stevie Nicks
† Superstar by Tegan and Sara
† Everybody Cares, Everybody Understands by Elliott Smith
† Drain you by Nirvana

Dream about me...

I don't feel like writing much now, There's is too little to say. I suppose everyone who knows me well knows what happened last week and that I'm trying to make the right decisions that I need to make. It's always been a theory of mine that sometimes you need to hit rock bottom to get back up and I hope that is what will happen for me.

I've decided to only surround myself with people I trust and know will support me, I may have few of those kind of people but that's all I need. If they did leave me I know I'd be on edge, spiraling down like many times before, but I hope they won't.

Last week has just been sleeping/lying in bed wishing everything and everyone would disappear and it's still hard when my mood fluctuates but it's something I have to cope with, it's just sometimes the ups and downs are too hard to bear.


songs on high repetition:
† Scott Pilgrim by Plumtree
† Black Sheep by Metric
† Anthems for a Seventeen Year Old Girl by Broken Social Scene
† I need a child by Olivia Ruiz

You're better off unknown.

I found my box of records a few days ago, They were locked away in storage from when we moved months ago. Some are mine like:

- Songs of Love and Hate by Leonard Cohen
- Prince Charming by Adam and The Ants
- Blood on the Tracks by Bob Dylan

My parents also have some nice records I now have to play on my record player such as Van Morrison, INXS, Jimi Hendrix, The Clash...etc. I also found my Tarot Cards which I thought I lost, They are my favorite deck.

______________________________________________________

I've been missing my medication again, because I lost them for awhile and can't be bothered right now to get back on them. I've noticed the effects that happen when I don't take them, Everything and everyone feels not entirely there and I lie in my bed for hours because I don't have the strength to do anything much else. I get paranoid & anxious about the smallest of things and can't stand to sleep alone so I hug my pillow imagining it's someone else. But on the other hand I feel more creative and myself like this, When i'm on my anti-depressants I don't care about anything, I lack any sense of direction.

I wake from nightmares that feel so real, filled with my fears, vices, tears and death. When I awake I wonder if any of those things could've really happened.
All I want is to sleep through my life because I see myself failing & flailing and It won't stop. I feel like i'm just going through the motions. Half asleep, half awake, Waking up in messed up bedsheets from another night with a stranger who might as well stay nameless to me.


Songs currently on repeat:
† The Twist - Metric
† Weak Sister - Paper Rival
† Precious Things - Tori Amos
† Moonlight Bloodshed - Jena Malone and Her Bloodstains

Is that why they call me a sullen girl...

I can't find my medication today and I can already feel my anxiety creeping up out from the shadows. The coffee & cigarettes are giving me the shakes, I can see red spots blurring my vision and my heart is beating like a drum.

All I want now is to curl up in my bed and sleep in the darkness, but I can't leave this place. I sit here chain smoking and an ant crawls up my arm but I swear it was a spider. I flick it off and pray it landed on the ground safely because even the smallest of creatures deserve to live.

Nothing feels important to me, except the need for what I fool myself into thinking as intimacy, when all it really comes down to is sex with boys who know much better.


Songs currently on repeat:
† Honest - Band of Skulls
† Ambulance - Eisley
† Sullen Girl - Fiona Apple
† Dangerous Animals - Arctic Monkeys