No sleep tonight...

I've been having bad dreams lately, I think it's become a something that has bothered me throughout this year, I've never had it so frequently before. They aren't usually nightmares, just distressing things that appear from my past, maybe I'm being told that I need resolve something within my past. All I know is I want it to stop, so I can wake up feeling at the very least like I had a decent sleep.

My moods are still not getting any better, the medication helps a bit but lately I've been having these short but intense mood swings particularly during the evening. Usually it's a swing of feeling very depressed and it hits hard and unexpectedly. It's almost unbearable, and sometimes sends me into moments of suicidal ideations.



songs on high repetition:
† Crash into me by Stevie Nicks
† Superstar by Tegan and Sara
† Everybody Cares, Everybody Understands by Elliott Smith
† Drain you by Nirvana

Dream about me...

I don't feel like writing much now, There's is too little to say. I suppose everyone who knows me well knows what happened last week and that I'm trying to make the right decisions that I need to make. It's always been a theory of mine that sometimes you need to hit rock bottom to get back up and I hope that is what will happen for me.

I've decided to only surround myself with people I trust and know will support me, I may have few of those kind of people but that's all I need. If they did leave me I know I'd be on edge, spiraling down like many times before, but I hope they won't.

Last week has just been sleeping/lying in bed wishing everything and everyone would disappear and it's still hard when my mood fluctuates but it's something I have to cope with, it's just sometimes the ups and downs are too hard to bear.


songs on high repetition:
† Scott Pilgrim by Plumtree
† Black Sheep by Metric
† Anthems for a Seventeen Year Old Girl by Broken Social Scene
† I need a child by Olivia Ruiz

I want a boy who's so drunk he doesn't talk.

I'm tired, just when I thought my mood was beginning to stay stable, the intensity and unpredictable swinging from sadness to anxiety to anger and back again is creating chaos in my head. I can't think straight, or focus on anything and I feel like sleeping forever till I stop feeling like this. I feel like bursting into tears right now and I have no idea why, I've taken my meds and have had enough rest, I shouldn't feel like this.

It's also seems like the world is throwing happy people everywhere I go, laughter, kisses, hugs and fulfilling conversations wherever I sit, stand, walk. It makes me sick like someone is taunting at me with something I can never have for that long. I'm sick of waiting, I want to be selfish and have it all but life doesn't work that way and Mick Jagger was right when he sung/wrote You can't always get what you want.


songs on high repetition:
† Big love by Fleetwood Mac
† Firecracker by Ryan Adams
† Lover I don't have to love by Bright Eyes
† Tourniquet by Marilyn Manson

Your heart's a mess, You won't admit to it.

The last 2 weeks (or so) have been turbulent, most of my life has been up and down but lately everything has been so extreme. One moment i'll be in tears, the next i'm on cloud nine. These both ends of the spectrum have been a regular thing lately.

Missing my medication for almost a week now has probably made everything much more intense particualry with my already abnormal mood swings. I'm crying more often and about almost everything, even when i've been happy i've cried. Mostly because sometimes my happiness scares me, it's not a feeling i'm used to and it never lasts long.

I may look like i'm strong to some people. But truth is i'm a small, fragile person and when life throws rocks at me. I get scratched and cut, most people can bandage themselves up but me, I just keep bleeding.


Songs on high repetition:
- Lost girls by Tilly and the Wall
- Jump in the Line by Harry Belafonte
- Fireflies by Fleetwood Mac
- Bad Moon Rising by Rasputina