Alone in suicide, which is deeper than death.

Lux is the pivotal role, as she is the only girl which the boys obtain sufficient information about, her emotions and overall feelings can be layed onto the remaining sisters, each; although seemingly toned down, would have much similar frustrations. She keeps the boys in touch with the group of girls, as much as possible without physical interaction. She is both the subject and contractor of the main events within the story.

If I was a lisbon girl I'd be a cross between Cecilia & Lux. Cecilia for her emotional instability and strangeness & Lux for her lack of self control and need for closeness. Suicide is in their blood and sometimes I feel like it's in mine because like them I just keep going through the motions and in circles of self destruction through whatever means possible.

Today I cried in my session with the psychologist for the first time ever, I was crying previously but held many of my tears back. As soon as I came in the room and she asked how I was I bursted into tears and couldn't pull myself together till 5 minutes later.

The past couple of days I've been sick with the worst headache i've had in my life as well as a sore throat. It kept me up till 2am last night and lying in bed is not fun when you have a throbbing headache and tend to ruminate about everything that surrounds your life.


Songs currently on repeat:
† Rapper's Delight - The Sugarhill Gang
† Instant Pleasure - Rufus Wainwright
† When Doves Cry (Cover) - Damien Rice
† Little Red Corvette - Prince

I'm the slow dying flower, Frost killing hour.

Today I don't know how I feel, I'm calm but my limbs feel differently. My heart pounds and it feels as if there is an electric current running through my body. It's unexplainable but it's a sensation that scares me, perhaps it's normal but I just don't know anymore. I keep seeing people I know who just turn out to be strangers, maybe it's just the pills my doctor prescribes me but what if i'm losing it, for real this time. I don't feel like i'm completely here most of the time, as if I could wake up and my whole life was just a dream or a nightmare, I haven't decided which one yet.

______

I'm not sure if I like the attention anymore, some days I thrive on it. Other days I feel sick from those eyes that gaze over at me, they make me feel so weak, so small. They have nothing to offer me, I don't want them but I need what they give which may seem so insignificant but I'm needy like that. Some days I just feel so used.


Songs currently on repeat:
† Opus 36 - Dustin O'Halloran
† It's cool, We Can Still Be Friends - Bright Eyes
† Sleep - Imogen Heap
† Weather Systems - Andrew Bird