This week has been one of the most stressful weeks of my life, I've cried my heart out at least 3 times and been constantly on edge, I can't stop shaking my legs whenever I'm sitting down, It's a constant thing I've never really done before. I only went to 1 class this week at uni because I was too stressed to deal with it, I wish I did but I just didn't care.
I feel like sleeping forever, curling up in a ball and lying in darkness with nothing but music in my head and in my heart. I'm holding everything back so much and trying so hard that I feel it's just going to fall apart and spin out of control when I least expect. Just at the moment, I can't let my emotions get the better of me because a few of my loved ones are struggling and they're more important.
My dreams are haunting me with images of broken glass and past loves, I feel tired all the time like I'm a living walking zombie. Sometime I'll notice myself go into a state of dissociation, I'll be completely detached and then I'll come out of it and feel like I'm about to have a panic attack, It's becoming more frequent recently.
songs on high repetition:
- You've got the love by Florence + The Machine
- Beautiful Child by Fleetwood Mac
- Goldmines by Josh Pyke
- Be My Angel by Mazzy Star
Sometimes I disassociate and the feeling over snapping back into reality is so fucking scary (like a massive slap in the face), a panic attack always follows, so I completely understand.
ReplyDeleteAmy, I understand that your loved ones may be struggling. But you should be included in your love ones and you are definitely struggling. hang in there...ok
p.s uni doesn't matter when you're like this (that was me last semester and honestly I'm glad I missed so many classes)
i learned disassociation as a child. eventually i became aware of it and could bring the states on when i wanted to. i have since transformed this into a powerful tool for my practice of wicca. keep in mind that i have been on medication for years, without that i would be so busy dealing with the stuff in my head that i wouldn't be able to use it like that.
ReplyDeleteI do the same thing. I've actually been tuning this entire year out, and it all just hit me now and I cried my eyes out last week. People who've hurt me are always in my dream. I promise you you'll get through it. Think of crying as a way to purge out the demons that are bothering you. :)
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